Open [boyxboy] ✓

forty-eight:: when you take a big step.

"You went to the beach?"

Picking up his phone almost instantly, he turned it towards me, "I have pictures to prove it, I only want you." Watching me with careful eyes, he handed me the phone and despite me not wanting to look through it, it made me feel better. "I'm sorry for being so shady, I-"

"I can't be with you if you're gonna make me feel like that."

"I know."

Unlocking his phone, and going to his pictures, the first few I saw being ones on the beach. He wasn't lying, the date had been the right one and it was all pictures of him and his friends.

Further up, I saw more pictures of scenery and I felt so bad going through his recently deleted, it being completely innocent. "You don't even trust me Paul." But I was being such a hypocrite considering I actually thought I might find something on his phone although I didn't admit that.

"I do, it's just really hard to open up." His voice held sincerity and I sighed, locking his phone back and placing it down. "You mean so much to me Jules and I never wanna hurt you, I promise. I'm trying to let you in but I don't let a lot of people in." He didn't move to grab his phone, he didn't even look at it.

"B-but I have to in order for this relationship to work." His continued when I didn't respond, my eyes locking with his and I could feel how much he meant that. He wanted to be with me, he wanted to change and I wanted to help him. "You got better, you let me in and we got you help, you bettered yourself for you. I should do the same."

And I didn't tell him about those nights I'd cried so hard I could feel my body drained, I didn't tell him about the panicking and I knew it was wrong to keep it from him. But how was I supposed to tell him about the fact that problems in our relationship had literally gave me panic attacks?

I can't feel like that again.

He'd break up with me for sure this time, he cared too much about my personal health but I wasn't gonna let myself get so freaked out again, I wasn't. I had control over my body and over my emotions.

"My family life isn't all that amazing." Finally twining his fringes through mine, he clasped our hands together. "I already told you how I came out but I didn't tell you what happened after, did I?" My heart was somewhat hammering, my eyes never straining off his even when he looked completely down.

Shaking my head, he gulped and I could feel his fingers tremble in mine. That trembling worried me, "No."

I didn't expect for him to open up so quickly, his voice cracking a bit, "I felt horrible about myself, I was alone, m-my brother - if I can even call him that- he turned on me." I didn't expect that but on the other hand, he never wanted to talk about anything like that. I should've known it was something bad. "My whole family turned on me. I could tell that they were uncomfortable with everything." I could imagine high school Paul, alone and scared and that truly broke my heart.

I was so lucky to meet him when it felt like my whole entire world was collapsing. Maybe I was so dependent on him because he really seemed like the only stable thing in my life, Paul was such a good person. I couldn't see how somebody could just turn on him because of something like that.

"Paul-"

Shaking his head as if he wanted me to let him talk, I stopped, nodding in response. "They're over it now but at the time, I couldn't even look into my own father's eyes."