I'm going to go get the treatment I've been needing for three whole years. I really really really want to get better. So many people don't know what depression is. This is a disease. People go,
"oh why don't you just stop looking at life so negatively"
WELL DUMBASS, IF I COULD CHOOSE BETWEEN: NOT BEING INTERESTED IN THE THINGS I USED TO LOVE, FIGHTING WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE IM NOT HAPPY, FEELING LONELY IN A ROOM OF PEOPLE, HEADACHES, BACKACHES, FEELING TIRED EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY, FEELING SICK, LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT AND CONCENTRATION, WANTING TO KILL MYSELF, HURTING MYSELF, CRYING EVERYDAY, OVERTHINKING, OVEREATING, NO SLEEP, TOO MUCH SLEEP, EXTREME HAPPINESS MET WITH EXTREME UNHAPPINESS IN A SPLIT SECOND, MOOD SWINGS, AND ANGER TO THE POINT OF BREAKING SHIT.
AS OPPOSE TO LOOKING AT THE WORLD LESS NEGATIVELY. WOULDN'T YOU THINK I'D CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST NAKED TO BE FUCKING H A P P Y ? ? ? ?
WOULDN'T YOU THINK!
W O U L D N ' T YOU?
This is a disease that I have battled with for three years. I had a long period where I felt happy again, and then it came back. It's something that doesn't come back knocking at your door either. It's like a stalker. First it keeps its distance, you feel it's eyes on you, and the presence of it. Of course you think it's not a big deal, everything is fine now. Then you can't sleep because it's standing outside your house, and you're up all fucking night going over and over how it felt to be sad, and you reassure yourself it will never happen again. Because you're happy now. And then when you're with people it's sits close to you, nice and close. Nope it's not attached itself to you, but it's gotten close enough to realize, and so you go home and cry, and overeat, or throw up that lunch you had with those people. Because that's what they are now. Those people. Those fucking bastards that have such an effortless life as oppose to you being followed by the devil. Then it's decided to interact, touching you, then leaving you alone to let you live before devouring you again. It only takes a second, because it's everywhere. It's in the restaurant bathroom where you take pills to ease the nerves, it's at your job, it's in you bed, it's on your clothes.. Just waiting. For the right time to pull the rope reminding you that it's still there. And then it moves in, not just in your house, in your relationships, in your job, in your social life. But in you. But funny, because then it tells you how it's never left, and your period of happiness flashes before your eyes like a movie trailer and you see it, standing afar off WATCHING! It's never left, you always felt it time to time but it decided then to give you rope before it hangs you with it.
So it never really comes back, you're stuck with it. I'm stuck with it. But now it's my job to live through it, and then live over it.
