Crossed out [KSIMON]

Numbness

JJ

Numbness is one way to describe the pain, probably the most understandable. Everyone has felt numb at one point, their pet may have died or they could be sitting alone insults hurled their way. My numbness was no different yet in every way it was.

Feeling numb isn't not feeling anything. If it was that I would gladly welcome it. No feeling numb is when you don't know how to feel. When you feel as if the world is against you, when everything that could have went wrong has. It's every bad emotion, every ounce of hatred all at once and you don't know how to feel. So your just numb.

Numbness is a sense of hopelessness, worthlessness. You can't even work out what you feel and it only adds to the numbness. Numbness is the feeling that you don't belong. Frankly I don't, not anymore. Now I'm not even sure if I ever did.

Theirs always been something different about me, something off. Some said as a child I was too creative for this world, my head was always somewhere else but I never dreamt of happiness. Even as a child in my dream land something bad would happen. Nothing like now but losing your parents or your best friend not talking to you was a big deal for my seven year old self.

To think that has all happened years later. Now I'm alone left with my thoughts in the same bottom floor flat I grew up in. Sitting in the same place I watched my mum cook every day. Looking out the same window that I used to eye eagerly as my dad came home bringing back sweets every Friday. To think I used to play with my brother hitting on pots and pans calling it music in this room.

Them memories have been corrupted by my own mind. Now my family have been missing for 4 years, the bodies were never found. I don't believe they ever will be.

I still remember the day it happened, it was mere weeks after my 18th birthday. I was spending the day with some friends, friends I no loner speak to. I came to find police around the flat, confusion was my first reaction. My parents were good folks, my only guess was my brother did something dumb. He's friends came from a bad part of town, their family's weren't the type to teach their kids right and wrong. All I could do was pray deji was okay.

Now I wish that was the case.

To come home and find out flat was broken into and my family kidnapped, the same flat I still pay rent for. For a year I believed they would be found, that they will come back. Slowly I lost hope. Not only only in the fact they will ever return but in myself.

I don't know why I've stayed here for so long. It reminds me of the pain. A emotion I know only too well. The only emotion I feel anymore. The only thing I know. A familiar feeling, in its messed up way it was a comfort.

Everyone says I'm depressed, I probably am. Everyone says I need help, I probably do. Will I get it is a completely different matter. Maybe if I didn't go out it would be different, they may be here today. I should have spent more time with them while I could. I should have showed them I cared but all I did was take them for granted then push them away. Now they will never know how much I love them, how much I regret all the times I lied to them. Now they are gone and I never got to tell them.

The secret I've been hiding for years only buried itself deeper within me. Slowly destroying me and I never got to tell my parents, tell my brother.

Sometimes I wonder what's the point of living anymore. Their not coming back and nows theirs nobody that would care if I died. I'm just another irrelevant human in a world fall of them. Few of us mean anything and once we die we end up forgotten. I'm already forgotten I might as well be dead, I already am inside.

We are all specs of nothingness in the universe. We are just atoms, just like everything in this universe. A mix of electrons, protons and neutrons (This is all a atoms made of right I haven't done chemistry in a year) with a lot of empty space between it.

We are just made of these atoms that are 99.999 something percent space (99.9999999999996% to be completely accurate #ResearchIsKey) so does that mean we are? I certainly feel like a load of empty space. I'm basically nothing.

Nothing to everyone I've met. Nothing in the universe and most of all nothing to myself. I'm mostly empty space but even that zero point something percentage of something I am I'm still a waste of space. I'm just another 22 year old floating though life meaning nothing to anybody.

I mean nothing. If I died today nobody would care, theirs nobody left to care. Nobody to cry over my death. Nobody to live fore. Just myself clinging to the fact my family may come home even though I know that will never be the case. They never will.

Authors note

Okay well wow. This is what I'm working on while I write love story my ass. I have 4 extra chapters wrote so I have time.

Anyway with this I will be putting a lot of my own thoughts and emotions into this. Even the description started off as about me. Now the story won't be anything like me at all (thank god) but many of the things said and even the part in the description about someone giving you a reason to love yet making it worse are my thoughts and feelings.

Welcome to a tour into my depressing mind.

A good thing about me being this depressed is that I can make a good story out of it... I'm a positive person.

Honestly I am I've just saw the good in being depressed. Well it's not good but it makes me more creative I guess.

I've became a better write the sadder I've been so that's got to be true.

Yeah I'm stopping now.

Hugs, kisses and peace ✌🏻️