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16: Don't Fucking Hit On Me

16: Don't Fucking Hit On Me

"That's not a song. That's an abomination!" Balin yelled.

The Goblin replied, "Abominations, deviations, that's all you're gonna find down here. Who would be so bold as to enter my kingdom?"

"Why the fuck does that matter to you?" I yell-asked him.

He smirked, "Hmm fierce. Are you the same in your chambers?"

I've kissed more girls than you ever will; back the fuck off you disgusting shrivel of a-

"Now listen here!" Dwalin said.

"If you ever!" Kili yelled.

"That's enough out of you," Thorin snapped.
They all said it's the same time.

"If you ever think I'm sleeping with you then you're mistaken. No one would ever want a fat, sleazy, greasy thing like you," I snarled at him.

One goblin kneed me in the stomach. I gasped and blood splattered from my lips. I wiped the trickling blood dripping down my chin.

"Andiel!" Kili yelled.

A goblin punched him, and another fight began.

"ENOUGH! IF THEY WON'T TALK, WE'LL MAKE THEM SQUAWK!" The thing said and everyone stopped," Search them!"

The goblins searched us and found stolen things from the elves.

What? How the hell did you get in there?

"It is to seem they are in league with elves!" One of the goblins proclaimed.

He handed something to the thing, and it looked like it was made for a candle.

"Hmm. Second Age, couldn't give it away," the thing threw the thing over the cliff face, "What brought you here? I will not ask again."

Bofur stood up, "We were on a road, not so much as a road, more like a path- not really that, more like a track. So we were on this road, like a path, like a track, and then we weren't. which is a problem because we were supposed to be in Dunland last Tuesday."

"Visiting distant relations!" Dori popped in.

"SHUT UP! Bring out the bone crusher! We'll start with the pretty lady," he looked at me and smirked.

"WAIT!" Thorin yelled and everyone quieted.

"Oh, well if it isn't Thorin Oakenshield, Son of Thrain, Son of Thror! King Under the Mountain!" he bowed, "But wait, you don't have one. And you're not a King, which makes you nobody really. I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just a head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak, an old enemy of yours. A pale Orc astride a white Warg."

I started, "Shut the fuck up already! How-"

Thorin quieted me with a gentle hand.

"Azog the Defiler was slain long ago!" Thorin yelled.

"So you think his defiling days are done?" he giggled and turned to a tiny goblin, "Send word to the pale Orc. Tell him I have found his prize."

The tiny goblin zipped away, and I brought myself to look at the thing before me.

"BRING OUT THE BONE CRUSHER!" The Thing yelled.

Soon, torture devices were coming our way. I could hear the screams and cries just by staring at them. I forced myself to look away.

The thing started to sing, "Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung, you'll be beaten and battered from racks you'll be hung, you'll die down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin Town."

Kili and I were holding hands through all the shuffling, and we made sure not to get separated. This reminded me of the time Aurora, Thrana, Juliana, and I went to Warped Tour. When the moshing started, we didn't know if we were gonna make it out alive. One of the goblins unsheathed Thorin's sword and screeched. My mind wandered back to what Gandalf said.

This is Goblin-cleaver: all Goblins fear its mighty wrath.

"I KNOW THAT SWORD! IT IS THE GOBLIN-CLEAVER! THE BLADE THAT SLICED A THOUSAND NECKS!" The Thing shrieked and cowered away.

Bitch the fuck are you complaining about? All your songs are about torturing and killing people, and just one piece of metal freaks you out?!

The Goblins became way more violent, and there were so many fists, I couldn't fight back. I shielded my head from them.

"KILL THEM!" The Thing ordered, "KILL THEM ALL! CUT OFF HIS HEAD!"

About five goblins pounced on Thorin, and I yelled.

A blast occurred, and all the goblins blew away as I shielded Thorin. Gandalf came from the white light and I looked up.

"Take up arms, fight. Fight!" He instructed.

We did just that.

"Andiel get down!" Thorin commanded and covered my head.

He kicked a goblin and picked up his sword. Bofur threw me an axe, and Thorin caught it .3 millimeters away from my face.

"Right," I sighed and grabbed it.

We began to fight our way through the goblins. I stabbed some, killed some, and decapitated some. I didn't really like killing people or things in general; it just wasn't me. The only thing making me kill them was my drive to protect everyone. Gandalf led and Thorin and I ran after him along with the others. I saw Oin take out about twenty with a stick, Balin take out about with a sword, and Thorin rampage through fifty. 

These dwarves didn't mess around, woah.

One dragged me by my leg and I stabbed it in the face. Dwalin helped me up.

"Duck."

I did and he killed a few more. We ran and cut more ropes. Kili cut a rope and we swayed. I held on to him and as we jumped onto another platform. I realized how tired I was when I almost fell off one of the ramps. We finally reached the end and I surged forward. The ground burst open and I flew back into Gandalf. He fell and the other dwarves caught us. Thing burst from the ground.

"You thought you could escape me?! What are you going to do now wizard?!" He taunted Gandalf.

Gandalf hit him in the eye and sliced his belly.

Thing said, "That'll do it."

He fell on his knees, then fell off the platform. The whole platform we were on started to shake and we started to fall. I let out a cry and my arms flailed as we cannonballed to the end of the crevice. We finally hit rock bottom and I was crushed by pounds of dwarf and metal. I groaned and looked up. I blinked. 

"That couldn't be worse," Bofur smiled, aaaaand then the Thing crashed down on us.

I gasped in pain as more weight added to the crushing of my breathing.

"You've got to be joking," Dwalin grunted.

I looked over at Kili who looked scared , "Kili? What's wrong?"

"GANDALF!" He screamed and I turned.

Thousands of goblins were headed for us.

Oh hell nah bitch, bye! I am not gonna be Goblin lunch today.

I squirmed from under the weight but there was no use: my legs were stuck. I reeeeeally started to hate being human. It took four dwarves to finally yank me out.

"There's too many, we can't fight them," Dwalin carried me on his back.

Gandalf replied, "Only daylight will save us. Come on!"

We - well they ran: I couldn't because my legs were jello - ran to the light and we finally escaped the foul place. We ran down some slopes and finally stopped at a safe distance.

Thorin asked, "Where's the hobbit?!"