The Most Beautiful Lie

Chapter Seven // Run

Please comment anything if you are reading this. I just want to know if there is anyone who actually reads it, don't be shy. Doesn't have to be anything special.

Our little vacation is now over. I don't feel any different. Sure I don't think I'll faint again but other than that I feel the same, probably worst. Is it possible to be more numb? Every night for the past week I've had an unexpected yet expected visit from Aila. She's been testing me to see if I'm "trustworthy" enough to for her to tell me what she wants to tell me.
Truly I don't believe that's what she has been doing she simply been putting it off. But tonight, tonight is the night I feel she is finally going to open up.
As for me, those nights she hasn't let me hold those holy pills in my palms, or a blade against my jagged thighs nor has she let me try to cry myself to sleep. Maybe I should be thanking her how I'm not trying to end my life, but truly she's been a bother. I have no space, I feel her suffocating me and for that simple reason I don't tell her to go away because I enjoy the suffering. But the one selfish thing I want is to be able to think of that woman before I go the sleep. That women who eyes are unclear to me now. Her marrow colored hands reaching out for my chest, that woman that the world saw ripping my heart out of it's place squeezing it until it ran dry, but I saw her past that, her strong yet warm and soft hands feeling for my heart beat, making sure I would live.

We are finishing up the music video for our comeback in the Spring. Everyone around me is ecstatic, they're saying that we've found our sound at last. The concept for this upcoming album is a bit confusing for us, we've been told it's just part of the bigger picture. Wow, isn't that insane how they've already planned not only our near future the years to come. I find it crazier that we let ourselves be puppets; but that's not new to me, it's what I've been my whole life.
So here we are, a but reliefs that this music video will not be a dance performance, however it requires a lot of acting. It features Jimin crying in an overflowing bathtub, Jungkook being jumped, V stabbing someone, Suga suffocating himself in flames, Rap Monster wondering/losing himself, and Jin in his own world that I don't quite understand. As for me, it's as they put my life right in the music video, staring at myself in a mirror hating my reflection and swallowing those peace making pills. By the end of the shoot we were all exhausted, oh did I mention train tracks and lots of running? I don't know why I feel we'll Run [some more] in our future. Anyhow... This video took a toll on everyone, how dark and twisted it is, how confusing it is. We really have no idea what it's about.

The boys and I head over to a restaurant to get barbecue, it's a cold February noon, the sun is shining and the sidewalks are filled with fresh snow, not as much as before. March is coming, meaning the beginning of spring when the ice starts to melt and the world becomes a bit more colorful. When I was younger, just a toddle, I loved spring, my mother signed me up for dance lessons every spring. So every day for three months, at noon we'd come go to the park and enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful scenery of new life growing rift before of us and dance. She, my mother, was a very talented dancer she was incredible, I'd say one of the best in Korea. When she was young she was in an underground dance team and then she made it big; she made a name for herself but her true passion was teaching. My mother could have made thousands, became an idol but instead she became a very respected teacher. The industry knew of her and if their were trainees who were under her wing, they'd surely have an eye on them.
I seem to be an extension of her, I am a good dancer and I followed in her footsteps being on a street team, but then I became an idol, because I enjoyed singing and rapping and dancing. I used to enjoy it.
So here we are enjoying some juicy, burning hot meat, when Aila joins us. We all congratulate ourselves for finishing our album and finally being on schedule for this comeback, everyone is falling into place.

However, I just don't want to do this anymore, but I can't let anyone down. I can't be selfish, not this selfish anyhow. I come back home, while everyone does some shopping or whatever they do on their free time, but before I do I head to that coffee shop I was at the other day.