Open [boyxboy] ✓

thirty:: when you confuse yourself.

He smiled then, biting his lip and busying himself by cleaning his area a little bit. Unlike Ben, Andy was a complete neat-freak... You know, when he wasn't flipping shit over in a fit of rage, "I know... Congrats."

"I didn't tell him." I felt the need to point that out as if it would make me feel less guilty.

"Thank you."

I couldn't stop thinking about Paul and how I never wanted to hurt him despite how forgiving he could be, "Can we forget it happened?"

"Is that what you want?" I didn't know.

"I just- I don't want him to dump me, Andy."

The boy in front of me looked confused, walking closer and all I knew was I didn't want to actually cheat on Paul, I didn't want Andy to make me feel good about myself in a moment of weakness because I was afraid that something would happen. Paul was too good for me and at that point is convinced myself that I had no chance with him because of it.

He's still mine, not Brandon's, not Isaiah's... Mine.

"Why would he?"

Why wouldn't he? "I-I-"

"You didn't do anything wrong... I kissed you, okay? You weren't even dating." But I was freaking out, all of this information was going in one ear and out the other. I was stressed because of soccer, stressed because of Andy, and it was starting to feel like my brain was making up scenarios because I was finally somewhat happy because of Paul and I couldn't just be happy.

It was still my fault. "I kissed you back, I shouldn't have; I messed up and-and-"

"It's not a big deal." I didn't realize I was breathing abnormally until Andy had pulled my hands away from my face. He was looking in my eyes, holding my wrists tight as I felt oxygen leaving my body. I was a liar, I messed everything up and I was a liar.

I felt myself panicking, not as bad as the first time but slowly, it was getting harder to breathe, "he's gonna hate me." Shaking my head vigorously, I hadn't stopped until Andy's hands were gripping my cheeks firmly. I felt myself crying and I could see the fear on his face.

"Breathe? Julian, chill." And I tried, I closed my eyes and I thought of Paul's smile and the first time we met and the feeling of his arms wrapped around me and my senses slowly started returning. It felt like that moment of an earthquake warning without the actual earthquake. It felt like the beginnings of a panic attack and I couldn't really put it into words. Andy was rubbing my arms, talking gibberish and shaking me and he looked terrified.

Mustering up all my strength, I attempted to cool down the warmth in my cheeks that had came rushing back with the sharp intake of air. And the first thing is done was mutter apologies, slipping out of his hold and twining my arms around myself. I didn't want him touching me, I didn't want him to think I was a freak who couldn't breathe properly; so many things were going on at once. I didn't know what happened. "I'm sorry."

"I know, J."

"I'm sorry for liking him and-and for freaking you out and kissing you back and everything. I'm just really sorry." I'm sorry for existing, pretty much.

"I don't have feelings for you so don't feel bad about anything, okay? I'm still your friend, I care about you and if you don't want to talk about it again, it's okay." I was conflicted, I was indecisive, I didn't know whether or not I wanted to talk about it and I couldn't stop assuming that Andy hated me. It all came down to everyone hating me, "Come on, get your cleats on, I-I... Maybe you can sit out? I don't know-"