*~Langston one shots~*

The Entirety of Empty

I am so lost in all of this that I cant even find myself. I don't remember things, its all a blur. Five, ten minutes, even thirty seconds ago, its all blank. I have no compassion for myself. The other person? The one I know so well and can count on. She holds all my compassion, me heart, my mind, everything. I feel for her the things I know she could not feel for herself. There is so much of her I wish I could be.

The darkness is consuming me and there is nothing I can so about it. The pictures on my walls haunt me and I wish I could rip them all down. I wish I could go back in time and give everything back, I don't want any of it, Its tearing me apart I can feel it. I wish I could go back and take a new road. I want a new life, a different one, one where I might have a chance at something.

Im angry... im upset... im lived. This whole thing is shit, I cant believe myself. I started out doing one thing and end up somewhere completely different. I don't sound like myself and yet all of this was something I wanted to say.

The worms are back. I want to rip away my skin and kill every last one of them. I rip and scratch at my skin but they don't seem to go away. Sometimes it hurts and I can make it stop. I try to sleep hoping I can distract myself but It doesn't help I have these terrible night mares and I cant make them go away. I am so dizzy now that it is hard to focus on any one thing. I think the maggots are eating at the balancing censors in my brain, or maybe my spinal cord. That might explain the excruciating pain in my right side.

Some days I wish I could just end it all. Maybe I would be better off in some kind of state hospital. At least there I would get to eat jello and play candy land, like when I was a kid. Yet sometimes I think what if it turns out to be like Briarcliff and im stuck in the swill and the cold. Or what if I go down hill like Frances Farmer. Things are never as good as they seem right. I just cant help but see everything as an endless pit of darkness. I wish I had the guts to just do it already. At least if I didn't succeed they might send me away someplace.

I have thought so much about drugs that I could probably not even think twice about overdosing. I used to be so against them, I thought that people on drugs where stupid and mindless. I thought they where gross, filthy, people who needed to grow up and be part of the real world. Which is still true for most of them. Yet at the same time I can see why people seek the comfort of drugs. They make you numb, if only for a few hours. You don't have to feel the pain or the suffering you can just be free. You don't have to die and be alone in the dark. You can see and feel every part life, the good parts, nothing else matters. You don't have to alone and you don't have to be scared, you can just be numb. I really wish I could get my hands on something, anything. Pot doesn't sound to grate, im much more a fan of uppers. I just wish I had something to numb me, something to send me on some wild trip where I could just not be me for a while.

Its funny that black is my favorite color. Its so empty, yet its so full of emotion. Black is elegant and off putting. It screams high society. and at the same time black is dark and empty. Im so afraid of the dark and now I have become so in love with the feeling of fear. That ping of sickness and uneasiness in the pit of your stomach. That sense of not knowing if your going to die. I Am becoming more and more attached to the darkness. If I lay here still enough I think I could take myself away, deep into the woods just before dark when its just light enough to see the shadows creeping along the trees and threw the grass. I can see then climbing my walls, I can feel the cold breeze across my flesh. Im shivering and im sick but I cant bring myself to vomit. The darkness is consuming me and Im not sure if I have imagined it or if its real. My mind is spinning in circles and I don't know where to stop.

My skin was crawling like millions of tiny little fire ants had inhabited it. Inside I was freezing but on the outside it was a million degrees. I have lost my entire sense of reality, the room seemed to spin around my. I had no control over my actions, my mind races with more thoughts then I could ever possibly handle. I could not move even if I wanted to, I was stuck here; alone. I was thinking not of myself at any particular moment but of every other person who could have ever lived. My soul was becoming a dark and morbid place. Hints of color cascading threw the black obis only to remind me of everything that I have ever lost, everything that has ever gone wrong. The thought that I could have ever been happy eats at me, mind and body, like maggots at a decaying corps. Now im repeating myself I know. I just know I thought this only a little while ago. Have I lost my mind, am I caught in a loop.