Shattered (The Academy)

Chapter 42: The L Word.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about her. I promised not to, to move on and hope for the rest to leave too, but somewhere on the way they stopped being shadows of me to be a real person. In my head, at least.
They celebrated me. Kirsten and some other nurses gave me grape juice and bought me a cake with the word Congratulations on top, and I knew I should feel happy, grateful. But instead, I could barely look at them.
Do I miss her? I don't miss what she did and what she thought, but deep down there is a part of my brain that knows it lost something forever. I feel her empty space in the back of my head. What does that mean? Why do I feel so... conflicted? Why is so hard to let go of a person who has always been here?
Owen. My mind wonders back to him as it likes to do recently. He didn't celebrated with them when he was notified. No, he looked inside me and found something in my eyes that spoke to him, that told him the unevitable and undenialing truth. And he asked me if I was okay. What is it about me that allows him to see deep inside me, behind the curtains, behind the lies?
Time passes since she left, and I became drawn to him every day. It's not something he said one day or something that he did, but the whole picture. The way he takes care of me on the things that are outside his job, the way he looks at me, the way he carries himself when we're together, the way he started smiling more and more until it was all I could see. The way we are.
But there's so many parts of me. Sometimes I feel Elizabeth inside me, and he doesn't 'like him. She is still in love with a different man, one that betrayed her, and for that I can feel her pain too. Sometimes, I feel the rage boiling inside too, but I can't decide if it's Mina's or Elizabeth's. The silver lining is I have control now, but her pain reminds me of mine. Well, everything reminds me of them.
When Owen teaches me to play violin, one of his many skills, I feel like I can catch the scent of someone else, someone my memory doesn't want to let go. Faces, names. Feelings. I was so little time with them, but somehow, it feels like a million years. I wonder sometimes what they're doing. I wonder what they're thinking. Do they miss me? Are they sorry? Have them moved on with their lives as if I was never really here? The thought consumes me everytime, but Owen eases the pain. Whoever that said that time makes it easier is a evil liar. And whoever that said your heart will always belong to one single person is just stupid. Their names burn in the back of my mind and I refuse to bring them up, but I can't forget. Anyway, in my mind, each piece of my heart belongs to them. Is it possible?
Is there maybe something wrong with me? And Owen. Oh, Owen. The doctor was wrong: I am pieces of nine, but not of the girls, but those boys. I have splintered this way.
I will never be a whole.
This though comes one afternoon to me while we're on the beach. They took us outside to a ride and they choose the beach, and of course Owen took me to walk barefoot on the sand while we laughed and enjoyed. If any of the other nurses realized the subtle change between us, they never said anything. He stopped and took his sweater off to give it to me when it starte to get chilly, and I knew it. I will always be splintered, shattered, broken in pieces like a mirror. Nine of them with him. I will never be truly happy now. Even if we get together and grow old, I will not forget. One day he will touch my shoulder with a serious expression on his face and will ask me if I'm okay. I'm gonna say I'm fine and try to keep busy by cooking or washing, giving him a two second smile that he will not believe. Owen will know I'm keeping something from him, and I will not gather all the courage inside me to sit on the steps of our home and tell him about eight guys that I once knew that changed me forever. I will not say, 'No, Owen. It doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do'. I will not try to explain how I will never be a whole piece, that I will always be divided, but this time, by heart. Owen won't understand either I tell him or not, and anyway, he will leave me when he found out I can't only love him. That I will never be only truly his.

I will never.

Owen's Point Of View.

The Anderson's house is intimidating for me. My name is Owen Blackbourne and that means in every existing way there is nothing that intimidates me, but this does. Everything that comes from that little girl does.
Sometimes, I'm scared. Of the outcome, of what I feel, of what they feel, of the lies and the truths. Those will not set us free any time soon. And sometimes, I'm scared out of my living days for the memories of my mother. There are days when I see the storm in her eyes that I remember my mother's, the same way she looked down and curled her shoulders up to her ears, and I can't help but kiss her forehead the way I knew my father had to but never did. It's hard to remember we are not them.
I still remember the very first time my fingers found them. Or maybe hers found mine. It happened just like that: One day we were walking down the beach and suddenly, our fingers tangled to each other as if they were made to fit there perfectly. We didn't say anything, we didn't have to.
We were just there.
But I'm not blind. I can see through her like a piece of glass, every emotion every detail. I only wished I could read her mind. And it's the reason why I'm here. Knocking on the door, I wait. They are the Anderson family. They got together ten years a go, with several dogs and just one bird. Like us. But they did something beyond imaginable. They shared a girl.
And I'll be damned if I let her be unhappy.

Luke's point of view.

We eat on Kota's table in relative silence. The plates of chinese food get empty very quickly which is not surprise, but there is this wall now. We do everything so fast, in silence, without thinking.
We never talk about it, but suddenly, the truth burns in my mouth.
"I fell in love with her"
For a moment is like I never said anything. But then they drop their chopsticks and abandon their food, locking eyes on me or on the nothingness. This is exposure.
"Have you?" I whisper.
For a moment, I'm not sure if any of them are gonna say anything or recognize the situation: We fell in love, screwed things up and let it go just like that. How can we expect her to look at us now?
The silence takes too long. I stand up with my plate and head towards the kitchen when my brother speaks.
"I did. Like a fucking fool"
I look at North.
"Shit" Gabriel says, passing his hands through his hair "I did. I thought... I thought you just liked her, not that you were in love... I was hoping... I was hoping..."
"That we would stand back?" Kota asks, losing his leadership for a moment "We didn't"
"Does that mean...?" I ask.
He sighs but nods.
Silas curses in greek.
"She'll never choose me" He says "She is my angel, but how can she choose me? How when there is all of you?"
"Damn it!" Nathan curses "So is it oficial? All of us are in love? Using the big L Word? Are you sure?"
"Don't doubt my feelings" Victor says.
It's all confirmed.
"This is great" Nathan goes on "We fall in love for the first time with the same girl. A girl we betrayed. A girl who can't even stand to have us near. This is fucking perfect, just perfect!"
"Nathan" Kota hisses.
"You can't fix this, Kota. You can't"
"But maybe I can" His voice has always been able to fill a room. Mr. blackbourne steps into the house with a look on his face I can't quite recognize.
"Mr. B?" Gabriel asks, doubting.
"We need to talk"
And maybe, just maybe, this is our cue to finally know something big is coming.