Shattered (The Academy)

Chapter 40: Breaking & Shattering.

"This is... what is this?"
Millie smiles in front of me and lets her head fall down to her hands, pushing it up, all smiley teeth.
"It's like chess. But Korean, I think"
I frown at the black and white little rocks on a board. I still don't get it.
"But you told me you were english, not Korean"
"And so what?" She throws her hair over her shoulder as if she was some kind of model, and I guess she could be one if she wanted to, but that's not why she's here. Her smartness is what drag her down until she ended up in cotton pants and no shoe laces "I spent summers with my aunt in Chinatown. You find everything and everyone there. I learned a few things"
She has learned a few things. In some kind of way, she reminds me of Jojo but in a... more emotional way. Millie is the person you imagined OCD loved, but she's really here for the drugs. Apparently smartness is a curse too.
"Sang?" Kirsten calls for me. She smiles at Millie and then moves her head towards the entryway looking at me "Doctor Jefferson is waiting for you"
Right.
I stand up saying goodbye to Mellie who is very concentrated in a game I can't see the beginning or the end to. Kirsten walks in front of me, heading me towards his office. I have private sessions with him besides the group therapy ones. Here is very important share your darkest secrets with everyone else, and no one wants to be here. We are like a little kingdom of ungrafuls, the ones who fell to high and hard from up there and crashed against the concrete to crawl back into life. Bad issue.
I miss them.
It happens like this: In the middle of nowhere, when I look around, when I'm not even thinking about it, I feel that feeling inside of my chest, growing as a seed I once buried inside hoping it would grow. It did, but today it's not a good thing. And even so, today I feel it again, it takes me by surprise: How much I miss them. They take my mind whenever I'm doing something else; walking downt the hall, showering, trying to understand Mellie's cleverness and anything and everything. It just comes like that.
And once again, I try to drown it. Where was I? Ungraceful beings, yeah. Or is it disgrafuls? It's the same, at the end: There's no pride here.
"It's time to sing a song!" Dr. Jefferson exclaims when he sees me and I smile kindly at him. I've been here a month and as a doctor I trust him, but he has taken my name too seriously. As a joke. And he loves it.
I smile lightly at him.
"Sit, Sang, sit. So, how is it been? Last time I saw you was two weeks a go, right?"
"That's about right"
"Yes, here it is. How are you going?"
"I'm..."
Why does he always ask me that? I don't know how I'm doing, I'm here now, and that doesn't make me happy but I'm not sad either and I don't want to be ungrateful.
"I'm fine, I think"
"According to your reports, your 'sisters' have shown two times since you been here. Mina and one not identified yet. I understand it was brief. Nothing you remember?"
"No. I only remember when they show me things"
"And tell me Sang, and I know we've talked about this before but I'm forced to do it now too: Do you want them to go?"
"Yes"
"Wouldn't you miss them?"
No is in the tip of my tongue. No, I wouldn't miss Shannon's extreme and murderous ways, or Mina's endless rage, Lake's dislike for everything alive. No, I won't miss that. But there is something in the inside that doesn't let me say it, a lump in my throat.
"I see" He says, but he doesn't actually sees anything: He's a fifty years old with gray hair, big belly and heavy glasses "Is very interesting how they refer to you as a sister"
I shrug.
"It wasn't me. They did it. I didn't even realize they were here inside until recently. So many things have happened..."
"Okay" He nods, resting his hands over his belly and leaning a little bit back on the chair behind the desk "Is it possible that the fact that you didn't go through all you went through alone attached you to them? I have understood Marie wasn't a big support around hard times"
I look at my knees, all bony under the pants.
"No, as I say, I didn't know they were there. And when I did, the bad times happened. Mom and... Marie, had been already long gone" Her name in my throat burns. Very slow, very affective.
"But now you know that even with all the bad features, Elizabeth was there to protect you. Shannon and Amanda let you cry on their shoulder. Kaylan made a pity party with you"
Sometimes I wonder if he's younger than what we know, by the way he expresses himself, but I gotta say: He's good.
"I want to get better"
"I know" He says "I do too. And I think maybe losing them may make you... sad?"
"Shannon killed my sister. Mina killed my father. Elizabeth locked mom up. What do you think?"
He blinks. Nothing of this will ever leave this room, because this is Academy. Whatever that means.
"I think you haven't answered my question"
I sigh.
"I don't think I'll miss them. But I'm worried about them. What will it be of them when they go?"
He nods silently and then puts his elbows over the table.
"Sang, do you know why a MPD is formed?"
I shake my head.
"No really"
He takes the puzzle brain that lies on his desk and holds it whole.
"The brain is an unknown territory, even at this height. What we know is Little, but we do know it can do incredible things. And MPD is a way of your brain telling you you've had enough. It's a self preservation system. When we go through high emotional leveled events, our brain..." He pushes the pieces apart and they fall on the desk "...splinter. We devide. It protected you by dividing you into different parts of you with different functions. Imagine your brain is like your body system. There are organs with a function, all of them part of one"
We pause and I stare at the pieces.
"That means...?"
"That means they didn't show up of nowhere. Some brains build an alter ego, but by your case, your brain has decided to take another turn. A couple of them will fade away, but others will be a part of you forever"
"Like who?"
"It's not clear is Lake will be staying or not. She appeared with your need to be a normal teenager, and that is a feature that appears at puberty or it may be something you brought up because you needed it. We're not sure about her"
"What about Mina?"
I know when he finds my eyes. I know even before the words come out of his out, even before he starts to make them up. There are things in this world that you can't unknown and that's knowledge. And I know.
"We fear Mina will have to stay. Rage is a quiality of every human being. Of course, she will stop being Mina and you will only recognize the memory of her by the feelings you have when you're upset, but that rage she felt... I'm sorry, Sang"
I sigh.
"I'ts okay"
"I assure you one more time this institution is more tan qualificated to treat you. But people with this particular disorder... Well, they take time"
"Time... how long?"
"Years, maybe. It all depends on you, really"
I knew it was gonna be a long road, but I just didn't know how long.
"But if they take over so easily... How can I get better?"
"They are here because you bring them here, Sang. It is all about medication and control. Therapy. We have dealt with people like this before"
"Have you succeed? Be honest, please"
"We have"
"Just not all the time"
Jefferson says nothing. As I said, knowledge is the only thing that never dies. Once you know it you can't just unknow it, erase it, forget it. Even when you think it does, it's always hidden somewhere deep inside, saved. I cannot stop knowing hope might be useless.
"What about those boys?"
"What about them?"
"The records say they've come daily to visit you, and you have rejected them"
"I have"
"Are you afraid one of your sisters may appear and make things worse?"
"No. No, it's not that"
"Then, what is it? It seems they really care for you"
"Do you say it because you're Academy? Whatever that really means?"
He shakes his head.
"Never, Darling"
I sigh, but humor him anyway.
"I just can't stand looking at them right now"
"Do you blame them for the job they took?"
"I don't care about the job. I know Mina, and that was brave of them. I care about the lies. They knew, when they knew me, that I didn't know, that I wasn't her, but they kept going. They used me. I don't even know if they really wanted to be my Friends or just wanted to know more of the girl who had stolen five million dollars"
"People... Make mistakes, Sang. There is no such a thing as perfect love"
"I know. I do. But I don't need love to be perfect, but honest and brave. Looking at them right now makes me angry and... I can't stand the thought of looking at them in the eyes"
Isn't that the saddest sentence ever made? When you're so angry or so upset that you don't even have the strenght to fight anymore. You can't look at them in the eyes because that single thing is hell to handle in your hands, and you've been burned before. Looking at someone in the eye had never been that painful, but it is. This is the real life.
"They broke me" I whisper "I belive, and they broke me"
And for the first time since I arrived here, I break down in tears. I always thought the phrase 'Break down in tears' is very curious. You don't start to cry or get on crying, but you break into tears. You split. The must horrible thing, the most painful. What does it really mean? Becoming into pieces of a whole. Pain. But I? I don't break down in tears, now that I think about it. No, I don't.
I shatter .