The Insanity of a Wallflower

Forgotten- XXX

I forced an instant excuse to those previous words, "Ms. Lexington told me that this might be a publicity stunt now. The State donated money for this new stadium, and without their knowledge we decided to make a large and powerful tribute in it. The mural will be big news. The Stadium already is, but still somewhat on the hushed side. Ms. Lexington said that they've realize how big and intricate this painting is going to be, and how I've incorporated the school's accomplishments and endeavors- it's become quite a platform that would look good to brag about. And a great place for a running politician to reaffirm his place as the public's leader."

My heart drummed heavily in my chest. It was all true; it wasn't like she could tell I was lying. But hopefully she didn't think I was hiding anything more. Unexpectedly though, something faltered inside of me; a heightened heartbeat, a tremoring of fingers, a weakening of knees. Suddenly it was there again, a new wave of panic and debilitating fear that threatened me. It was strong, it was powerful, and it was fighting an inch beneath the surface.

"You may go, Alys. You've been helpful enough." Augustine said suddenly. "Truth be told Ms. Campbell and Mr. Douglas were unsure if they could even do a viewing today or not because of other pressing matters. I went ahead to see how it was for myself. And I've seen enough. I'll let them know you have left for the day- no one will have missed an opportunity."

So she could see it then, couldn't she? The weakening of my mind. The faltering of my cognitivity.

She gazed patiently at me as if she was looking through to my soul. It was that same pressing gaze I cowered from ever since I was a child.

"It's been nearly ten years-"

"-since it all happened, I know." I whispered, knowing what she was seeing in me. Doctor Hathaway had confirmed with her already that my father was being released. It wasn't a coincidence she came to see my mural at what she knew would be my weakest moment; my tick's easiest temptation. But she was letting me go now. Did she think I was going to snap? Would she tell the school to pull me from this now?

"No." she said finally. "Since the last time I've seen you show any true emotion..."

Her eyes glanced to the far door Hayden had left through, "the last time you even acted alive."

And at that she left.

.

.

I breathed heavily, the cold window still displacing the heat of my skin. What did that mean? Since I last acted alive? My eyes opened and I stared at the droplets forming outside the glass. Another storm was coming through, the spring rains seeming to never cease.

Afar on the fields, some kids still practiced their sports but otherwise most everyone had headed home and were done for the day. I looked down and stared at the journal beneath me. I held it close, a habit more than a comfort, but I had yet to open its pages. I wanted to scream at Augustine. I've been alive! I've been battling emotions all these years. And she knew that; it wasn't a secret! She knew almost everything! So why would she say that?

But yet, somewhere deep inside of me, in a place I refused to look upon before... I knew.

I was nothing beyond these pages. I never had been. I let myself be more for Karri... but I wouldn't lean on her forever. I knew she was already going to a different college, I knew she was already leading a different life- and it never bothered me. And it should have. It was like I had always been prepared to have to let go of that unexpected happiness. Like I was always patiently waiting to fall back into my books again.

The revenge, the arrest, the fake suicide attempts. What if they never happened? Where would I be? Home... with Karri begging me to go out with Tim and Megan. Home. In my journal- living a thousand lies through a pencil that never breathed. Lost in a notebook... that had no heartbeat.