Dancing through life

Chapter 26: Acceptance

My wedding day is finally here.
The hairdresser gently curls my hair into this pretty complicated braid.
My eyes try to keep up with what she's doing, but my brain can't comprehend it.
She gently places my veil and helps me stand up.

I quickly pick up my wedding dress. I eye it, this was the dress that was about to change my life forever.
I slip on my wedding dress. Mom chose it, you can tell with all it's ruffles and lace.
The Beckers were attending the wedding, but I heard that Sean left for the audition which is tomorrow.

My heart shatters at thought of him.
I tuck the thoughts of him, deep away.
In the corners of my mind.

I don't feel happy nor excited. I feel empty. Which is messed up, because this is supposedly the most happiest day in a women's life. I walk over to a mirror and examine myself.
I don't see any trace of myself anywhere. I look so fake, so doll-like.

I turn away from my reflection, ashamed of my lack of loyalty towards my personality.
I adjust my veil and it covers my face. My fake face.
I am a bride, now. I'm going to get married to John.

I was going to marry a man I met less than a month ago.
A man, I hardly know or understand and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Because I wanted my parent's love. Because I wanted to keep my family together.
Was this even reasonable?

Were they even going love me?
How can you suddenly love your family after all these years?
Maybe they just didn't show it. In the right way.

Nagging thoughts like these run through my head. I kept reassuring myself.
There are so many questions, things I'm unsure of.
Was giving up my dreams worth my parents's love?
Would this help restore our family?

The changing room door opens and all my thoughts scatter away like paper in the wind.
I take a deep breath and face the door.
I readjust my veil and pick up my bouquet of flowers.

Dad walks in, his face serious and blank as usual.
We head towards the doors in silence.
There is not even a single sign of a smile on his face.

And here I was just maybe . . . believing that there was some little chance that he'd be happy for me.
That he'd actually smile and we'll bond over this wedding.
It's now, when I realise how absurd my fantasy is. I should have know better than to assume things like this.
After all, it's me who always gets hurt.

We stop in front of the doors, he silently offers his arm. How cold!
I hold his arm and the doors open, revealing a crowd of people and . . . John.
I walk towards him in slow steps. I never felt so self-conscious, before.

I feel everyone's eyes on me. Expecting me to do what a bride usually does, gaze adoringly at her groom.
I stop walking. I can't take this anymore. Dad pushes me forward, roughly. He gives me a warning look.
I yank my arm away and give him the nastiest glare I can muster.
"NO! I can't do this! John deserves someone who loves him. I'm sorry." I said, my voice cool and collected.

My voice echoes through the entire room. There are some gasps and whispers.
I ignore it and watch for someone to say something or something to happen.
I give up and look at John. I signal him to say something. He looks stunned.

A genuine smile spreads his face and his back relaxes. He throws off his black tie.
"So does Emma." he announces, grinning. I grin back. I yank off my veil and toss it off.
I hitch up my dress and turn back toward the exit.
"EMMA!" bellows a voice, mom. Why am I not surprised?

I see my mom's furious expression. I calmly eye her.
"What is wrong with you?" she bellows, turning tomato red.
"What do you mean what's wrong with me?" I ask, my voice echoing through the church.

"You can't even marry John. Or do anything! Listen to your mother." Dad chimes in.
I don't understand why he even dares to talk to me after ignoring me!
In that very moment, I realised that even if I did marry John, nothing was going to change.
No matter what I do or say to please them, they couldn't, no wouldn't accept the way I was. You couldn't switch on love.

" You're have no right to boss me around! You lost that right ages ago. You're supposed to be my parents! When have you ever supported my decision? Never. When have I done something or even said something that hurt you? I tried to keep this fucking family together since Jake died! You guys are pulling this family apart. Not, that I was ever a part of it! I thought maybe you guys cared about me! Of course, you guys choose to control my future and rip my dreams apart. I'm done being your little pet! I'm sick of it! There I said it!" I yelled, releasing my anger that I kept all these years. I instantly feel lighter, like a burden is lifted from my shoulders.

They are speechless. The people sitting down, gasp and whisper amongst each other.
I have never talked back to them in this way.
I ruined the supposedly perfect image of Mrs. and Mr. Turner's undying love for their daughter.

Silence fills the room and I turn around towards the exit.
I toss my flower bouquet behind me and leave.
I smile as I hear the sound of girls scrambling to catch it.

From now, I'm making my own choices.
I'm going accept myself and be who I am.
I never felt so free from my parents's clutches.

I guess sometimes family isn't forever.
Then what is forever?