Miss Me; When I'm Gone (editing)

CHAPTER 44 (Blair)

Blair

Nine weeks later

I opened my door to find Owen on the other side. He had a cappuccino in each hand. Once that was a comforting sight. Nothing comforted me anymore. The nightmares from my past were back with a vengeance. I rarely slept anymore. Cappuccino in the morning and coffee in a mug in the afternoon were the only way I made it through work everyday.

"Ready sunshine?" He asked.

I nodded and picked up my backpack. "Yeah," I replied, taking the cup he offered me.

"I hate you. I want your skin. It's not fair you get so tanned," he complained.

"I work out in the sun. Of course I'm going to get tanned," I reminded him, rolling my eyes. He whined about my tan at least twice a week.

"Tanning and watching hot men swim clubs. I'm working in the wrong department", he said with a huff.

We both knew that Carrie wouldn't let him work on the golf course at the Country Club. Owen had a face women loved. He worked as a server, and the woman came in droves to flirt with him and tip him well.  On the course, he wouldn't be as popular. There were several women who golfed but not many. The majority played tennis. The men dominated the golf course.

"It's hot out there, and the men are all dressed in shorts and polo shirts. It's not exactly sexy attire. You aren't missing out on anything."

Owen opened his car door and rolled his eyes at me.

"Girl, I've seen Dean Stephenson's hot ass in shirts and a polo, and it's enough for me to pour ice water down my pants."

"Gosh! Owen!" I couldn't help but laugh, but honestly, he could be so descriptive.

I sank down into the passenger seat, put my backpack on the floor, and set my coffee in the cup holder so I could buckle up. Riding with Owen to and from work was earlier now that we worked at the same place. Owen had arranged it so that our schedules matched every week.

"keeping it real, babe," he replied, as he climbed inside.

Sometimes Owen keeping it real was him just wanting to make me laugh. Only recently had he been able to accomplish that, and it wasn't often. But I would give him one thing; since the moment Travis Miliani had walked out of my life, Owen had been my shadow.

I couldn't go anywhere without checking in with him. He panicked if he didn't know where I was, and he always stayed late with me. For a while, he would sit and hold my hand while I went to sleep at night. He never mentioned it, but I knew he was trying to take the place of my nightly phone calls. The ones I didn't have anymore. I had quit my cleaning job with the Peterson's simply because I couldn't see anyone who reminded me of Travis, and there was the chance that he'd turn up at anytime for a visit. I wasn't sure how I'd handle that. So I also told Jessica Stephenson that I couldn't clean for her. The Stephenson's reminded me of Travis.

Once I was jobless, Owen offered to get me work as a cart girl on the Country Club's golf course. I had told him about my dyslexia then, and he had helped me fill out the application. When he had asked me if I wanted to read to him at night, I  had broken down and closed myself up in my room. He didn't have to ask to figure out why. He was a smart guy.

Now he asked, "Elijah still coming a lot during your shifts?"

I sighed and laid my head back against the seat. "Elijah just golfs a lot. He's not only coming during my shifts."

Owen let out and amused laugh.

"Keep telling yourself that, chicky. But blonde doesn't golf unless he's with Woods or Grant. It isn't something I ever saw him do by himself. Until you put on that little outfit and started passing out beers."

I didn't want to think about Elijah coming to see me. I didn't want anyone coming to see me. Not that way.

I love you, Blair Montgomery!

That broken cry that had been so loud my neighbours heard it was all that took up residence in my chest. Everything else was gone. Finding any emotion was hard for me. Only at night, when I was asleep and the past came back to torture me, did I scream and cry.

Over the past nine weeks, I had dealt with moments of weakness. Once I almost convinced myself that I had imagined the text message. And when I couldn't make myself believe that I tried to convince myself that I could live with him having sex with other people. If I had him in my life, that would be enough. I would forgive him for needing sex so badly that he had to get it elsewhere. Then, at my lowest points, I blamed myself for being screwed up in the head. For not being able to give him what his body needed. I had pushed him into her arms. He loved me, though. He had yelled it at the top of his lungs.

After weeks of no word from him, I had to accept that he had moved on. I had sent him away, and he had gone. Not easily, but he had gone. Now someone else, probably Celeste, was taking care of his needs. She was loving him and making him smile. She was everything I had been to him.

So I just survived. Everyday, I got up and survived the day. Every night I survived the nightmares. Then I did it again. Over and over.
And alone.
Because I'd made him leave.

"Earth to Blairsy-poo. Where did you go, woman? I asked you a question."

I shook my Travis thoughts away. They'd be back to fill the void later.

"Sorry, what did you ask?"

"I asked if you wanted to go take your written test and get your driving permit tomorrow since we're off work."

Dr. Vanwoodson had been helping me study for two weeks now. I was prepared as I'd ever be.

"Yeah, that would be good," I replied.

The excitement didn't come. I had thought that once that I would never drive a car. Now I was close to achieving that goal, and I couldn't manage to feel even a little joy. Because the one person I wanted with me, the one pesos on I wanted to share this with, wasn't here.

I had pushed him away. I had loved too much. With a broken mind and body, I had loved completely. And he had needed more than that broken mind and body.images of him touching a faceless woman and doing things to her that he did to me shredded me everything I let myself think about it. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be enough for him.

"Don't get too excited. I might have to pull over until you calm down," Owen said sarcastically.

I forced a smile for him.

"Not buying the fake shit, Blair." He replied.

It was all I had. Fake shit.