In The After

author's gratitude page

I wrote my first "story" when I was 13 years old. I still have it. Bound in a thin, spiral notebook, it was a horror story that lasted maybe three dozen pages and the only person that has ever read it is my little brother, Joe. He said it was great. It isn't. But, he always was one of my biggest fans. I can't tell what my life would be without him. Sometimes, your best thing really does come in the form of family.

My writing took on a life of its own when I was in high school. I wrote for teachers, but I also still wrote for me. I was always looking for the hero. Back then, my hero was my dad. And when I read some of my earliest works, it's so obvious that he was the basis of my male protagonist. My hero, still.

As I grew, so did my style ( I hope). I no longer wrote as an assignment but as a passion. In the years that I struggled, writing was my escape. My male protagonists took on a new role when I was an adult single mom: the one I searched for. A man with honor and kindness and tolerance and love. Someone who would stand between me and the proverbial bullet of life. It took a lot of years to find him. But my husband, Patrik, is the one. Imperfect, flawed, human. As are we all. He is the one I know will carry on if I'm gone, compliments my introversion with his extroversion, and loves me more than he can honestly bear to admit. The one brought to tears at the thought of losing me, who is so afraid of emotion that when I see it in him, my breath is thieved. I am so honored to bear witness to his heart.

Mom. You are my greatest fan and my loudest cheerleader. This has been true all of my life. I cannot express my feelings for you in words. The emotion in me: too great for that. Just know this- all I am is because you were there to encourage and love me. All I wished, dreamed, and accomplished: because you stood by me. I can only pray you know this in your bones. Because if I have failed at showing you these things, I have failed at life. Thank you, Mama. For all of it.

Chase. Christopher. Laura. Julia. Emma. Look what I made: I think this often. Which of course is ridiculous because you all have made me so proud in creating YOURSELVES. Honorable, kind, decent, loving. There is not a one of you children of mine who doesn't hold the heart of a hero in you. I know, without question, that you will go into this world and do great things. It is a part of the tapestry of each of you, woven into your very character. And this world is a better place for each of you being in it. This, being your mom, is my greatest achievement. You make me proud every single day. I love you.

I have a grandson, now. I am expecting another grandchild soon. It's beautiful, what happens to a heart when your child has a child with someone you love as your own. Dana, thank you for being not only my daughter, but also my friend. Liam is a lucky boy to be able to call you Mommy. I can't wait to meet the next one. I am so HAPPY to call you mine.

Thank you, Kerri, for being the one person outside of blood I have always been able to turn to. I know we were meant to be as important to each other as we are because I feel it every time we see each other. You, darling girl, are the best friend I have ever had. I love you so much it hurts. I am here for you, always. You and yours are mine. Me and mine, yours. That is the simple truth of it. And I am so glad.

I never intended to print a single one of my stories. Ever. I wrote for me. For escape or release or pleasure. Because I am passionate about the characters I create. I will probably never actually publish a thing in book form. And yet I have readers that READ my words. YOU are my surprise party. You have turned into my motivation. Where I used to write to get the story out, now I write in hopes you'll be pleased. Thank you for taking this path with me, for making my journey so rewarding. The other day I saw that one of my stories had this side of 1000 views. Well, that is more humbling than you can imagine. And my actual FOLLOWERS: you know who you are. You know how I love you and am so grateful to you. I hope my stories continue to make you laugh or cry or rage. The range of human emotions: they are so beautiful. THEY are my true muse: love and hate. Passion and deceit. Joy and sorrow. How gorgeous is the human condition. I will keep writing in honor of it.

Because life: it's the most stunning of experiences. It is raw and real and breathtaking. Thank you for sharing it with me.

"I took the road less traveled by. And that has made all of the difference." ~ Robert Frost

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(no songs or lyrics quoted herein are mine. I take no credit for them. They just fit. Imitation is the ultimate form of flattery)