In The After

1.5 ELIZA

I can tell it's daylight the next time I open my eyes by the way the edges around the drapes are illuminated. Cade is wrapped around me, breathing easily, clearly still asleep. I have to pee so I do my best to ease from his cradle, pushing a pillow in my place so he doesn't notice my absence. He sighs and sleeps on.

I use the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror.

God.

I look hellatious.

My eyes are both swollen from so much crying, the makeup I'd worn streaky and blurred.

Dead set on setting him free, all I did last night was break his heart then reclaim it. I am beyond despicable.

But I love him. I love him so much it's the only truth I know right now.

I scared MYSELF by leaving him. I will never find anyone that loves and accepts me like Cade does. It was easy to push him away because I knew he'd take it. I feel so guilty about the things I've said and done. I remember Mick's tongue in my mouth and I gag around my toothbrush, scrub harder. The look on Cade's face when I allowed that...I will never be able to erase it from his mind. Somewhere in his memory he will always be able to pull up the vision of me allowing another man to kiss me, put his hands on me. So senseless. I had hurt him so much already. Why did I feel the need to compound insult to injury? I remember thinking I was giving him a way out. And then all I felt was devastated. Ruined. Dirty. And knowing I did it to him..and to myself...makes it even worse.

All of this because some asshole- the same one that haunts me every time I close my eyes- couldn't deal with his siblings' decisions. Last night wasn't the first time I'd hit the deck or hid under the covers. But the alcohol had helped in tamping down my paranoia. Tremendously.

A singe of new guilt sears me when I remember getting awake last night, anxious despite the presence of Cade in bed with me. My heart was pounding, enveloped with a heat that made me break into a sweat. And all I could think was- make it go away. I sneaked downstairs, chugged vodka straight from it's bottle. It's the liquor everyone says you can't smell on someone but I planned to brush my teeth when I went back upstairs anyway. The burn of it from lips to gut was enough. Knowing it was only a matter of time til it softened my jagged edges was enough to ease my anxiety back from the panic it was becoming. But that door.

That door.

It was not open when I came downstairs and yet it was standing wide when I headed back. All the hair on my body felt like it stood on end. And then I saw him. Real as can be. He even said that word that frazzles my nerves: nursey. He held up a syringe and took a step toward me.

I know I scared Cade half to death. The way his heart was racing when he got to me rivaled my own.

PTSD is probably exactly right. I have been so overcome I hadn't even thought of it. All I've been able to think is: I will never escape this. He will haunt me for the rest of my life. And so, even though I'm alive, he has won.

I hate him. I hate him so much it is like a cancer growing in me, filling me with a darkness I have never experienced in my life. I didn't know I was even capable of holding this deep black within me. If Cade thinks I'm different on the outside, he should see inside of me. Unrecognizable. Detestable. Full of fear and anger and remorse. I am my own opposite.

Turning on the shower as hot as I can stand it, I strip off my travel clothes and stand under the spray. My skin immediately turns pink from it. It is near scalding. It doesn't matter. No matter how hard I try, how much I scrub, I can't get that son of a bitch off of me. Out of me. I feel like he's seeped into my pores. I don't know how Cade can bear being near me.