You can’t have us both
Choose one, love one
And one only
You can’t love us both
It hurts too much
To know I’m not the only one
That I’m not special
That I’m just “someone else” you love
So choose one
You can’t have us both
Its killing me
It took weeks to try and get Gavin to talk to me again. I ended up calling him crying one night, and I left a voicemail, asking for his forgiveness, begging to be my friend again, telling him how much I loved him still. (In reality, I did, I just couldn’t be with him.) He texted me, telling me ‘You are lucky your voice sounds like Scarlet’s. I listened to that voicemail like 20 times, your voice is like an angel.’ We ended up talking on the phone for the first time that night, it was awkward at first, but we started talking about sports and school and friends and all that kind of stuff.
Now, Gavin was trying to win my heart over Ricky. He didn’t want me liking anyone other than him. He told me his reactions were just out of pure envy, but my trust levels went down with him. With anyone really. I thought Gavin cared about me, and with what he did, I lost faith in him. It changed my total prospective on him. It made me see the bad side to him, the one I thought he didn’t have. I still didn’t want to lose him, so I had to be careful. I had to give him what he wanted, and I did, willingly. As stupid and carless as I was, I fell for him, yet again. His seductive words dragged me in.
It was like how we used to be, except I felt the need to feed in more and more to him, to keep him around. He was the only one I had left, because I seemed to screw up everything. I felt like I deserved what I got. Maybe it wasn’t the guys that were the problem, maybe it was me. Maybe, I just wasn’t good enough for anyone. I don’t know why I even tried anymore.
The problem with Gavin was he was like a tease, which made me want him even more. But it angered me when he would say he loved me, when he had Scarlet. It’s either me or her; I don’t think he realized that. Julia didn’t like him because of this, because in a way, it was killing me inside. The agony pierced me. I loved him, I know I did, but it was a different love then the love I had to Jake. Jake was my first love though, that one would always stick out, right?
****
It was the end of May, and I decided to give up on Gavin again. We didn’t talk so much anymore and plus, he was still dating Scarlet. We were at lunch and that’s where I met Jason. I had seen him around school but never really talked to him. He was a grade below me, and he seemed pretty chill. He just got his hair cut, and let me tell you, he looked pretty damn fine. We talked for a little, but he was shy, it was cute.
I talked to him on Facebook when I got to Julia’s, and that’s pretty much how I spent my afternoons al that week. We got to know each other, and I sort of liked him. He liked me too, but he liked this other girl too. But by the first week of June I won him over, and we were dating.
It was the third day we were dating and we were planning to hang out after school together and walk around. We walked to the town gas station and he bought some gum, and offered to buy me something to drink and or eat, but I said no. we walked around the park, but it was kind of awkward. I had to start all the conversations, and if I wanted to hold his hand I had to hold my hand out practically I front of his face to notice or grab it myself. It was tough; I had to think of questions to keep asking him so we could keep a conversation.
He then led me to this bath behind the school to lead to a tire swing, but we couldn’t find it. We walked up to the high school and sat on the benches. I got a text from my dad, him saying he’d be there soon. we walked over to a spot and we stood there waiting. I gathered him in a hug and stood on my tip toes to kiss his cheek. He smiled and blushed it was cute. It then began to start raining. I saw my dad pull into the parking lot, I gave him a hug and I walked to my car as he headed for the park.
“Did he kiss you?” He asked as I buckled up.
“No. It was awkward.” I replied.
“Wanna go run up to him and kiss him in the rain?” He asked.
“No dad, just go.”
“Does he need a ride home?”
“No his mom is coming.”
I was kind of disappointed. I really liked him, well I thought I did. This kind of changed my whole prospective on him. It made me feel like I had to make all the effort. I didn’t like that.
When I got home I received a text from Gavin. I texted him back, forgetting I had my signature up. (6.7.10<3) He questioned it, and I told him about Jason and how today went and how that changed my mind about him.
‘Then break up with him.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You can.’
I could, I didn’t want to, but I did. The next afternoon I told him that it probably wouldn’t work out with me going to a different school the next year and summer coming up and how awkward it was the afternoon before. I said we could still be friends and talk every day. He didn’t like it. I didn’t hear from him for a few days after. And then, it was the last day of school.
I’m terrible at goodbyes.
