Polarity (Jardougall)

Chapter 5: Complicated

Tay POV

The drive back to school was quiet, but not awkward. I could see a storm of emotion behind Jenna's steel blue gaze. She didn't look at me, but I knew she was watching me through her peripheral vision. I kept my view on the road as my defenses crumbled underneath Jenna's careful eye.

As we pulled into school she kept the doors locked, letting me know that we weren't done. She turned to look at me, her eyes void of every emotion except the obvious internal struggle she was going through. She gripped the steering wheel hard and took a deep shaky breath. She looked at me with a bit of worry in her eyes before she spoke.

"I actually suffer from really bad anxiety. What you saw was me having an anxiety attack. I usually calm down after a bit but yeah that's what happened and if you tell anyone I will ruin you," she said very fast and out of breath.

I smiled at her and started laughing. She looked at me angrily. "Dude, I'm not going to tell anyone. Your mental health is only your business and no one else's. Nothing of the sort is going to come out of my mouth," I assured her.

I may not like her much, but I really mean that. Her anxiety is her business and I'm not that much of a bitch to talk about it.

"Seriously?" She asked with a surprised tone. She seemed a lot more relaxed.

"Yeah, I'm serious," I smiled even more.

"Okay good," she said and relaxed a bit while she lit a cigarette.

"You know," she started as I looked in her direction.

"I've been smoking so long and I still hate the taste," she laughed slightly.

"If you hate the taste then why do you still smoke? It's not like it's a healthy habit," I said.

Jenna exhaled the smoke and looked over at me. "Smoking helps kill my anxiety. Even if I hate the taste, it's worth keeping my anxiety at bay. Plus, a little stick of gum fixes the problem. That's why I always have some in the first place," she said.

"But aren't you worried about the consequences? And isn't there medication that does that?"

"What, me dying? Nah. Everybody dies. I could die from cigarettes thirty years from now, from old age seventy years from now, from getting hit by a bus an hour from now. It doesn't matter how we die, we still have the same fate. So whether the cigarettes kill me or not, in the end it won't really matter. And I was on medication, for a while. But the pills they gave me were highly addictive and they ended up getting me. I was gone, mentally. I was focused on these pills and these pills alone. I didn't go out, I couldn't function properly, my common sense was near gone. I hated what I had become so I replaced one addiction with another. I'd rather die young because of cigarettes and be able to live my life rather than live long without really living at all," she said, another puff of smoke making its way through her lips.

"And that's another thing you can never mention to anyone," she said seriously as she put out her cigarette on the ash tray in her car.

I nodded and she pulled out a pack of mint gum and put a piece in her mouth. Always chewing gum, I guess it would make kissing her more bearable. Why did I just think that? The smoke must be getting to me. Jenna smiled over at me and offered me a piece of gum. I took it and immediately felt the rush of mint opening up my sinuses. I stayed put for a bit until Jenna started stepping out of the car, finally letting me know I was free to go. I walked toward the building with Jenna not far behind. Once I got to the door, I turned around to face the blonde.

"I hate you," I said with a smirk.

"The feeling is mutual, Jardine," she said with a soft smirk on her lips and her Aussie accent ringing in my ears.