The Artist

Chapter Seventeen

I push through person after person until I arrive home. My mind is pulsing as the image of him and her, over my desk.

"Oh god." I cry, holding the bridge of my nose between my finger and thumb. I let myself develop feelings for him. I let myself like him. And now look where it's gotten me.

"Ellen?" The door jolts from the force of his knock.

I gasp, the pounding behind me catching me off guard. I cover my mouth to muffle my sobs.

We aren't even together. He doesn't even like me. He likes to toy with me. I need to stop crying.

"Dammit Ellen I know you're there." He shouts. "I'm.... I'm sorry you saw that." He says in a lower volume.

I open the door slightly and he immediately jams his foot in it so I can't shut it.

"You're sorry I had to see that?" I hiss at him. He seems taken by surprise. My reaction isn't that shocking? And then it clicks, he's noticed I've been crying.

"You're crying?" He scratches the back of his neck.

"It doesn't matter. Just go Harry. I was stupid to let myself think you gave half a shit about me."

"I do!" He snaps at me, frowning.

"You've got.. A very funny way of showing it then." I wipe underneath my eye. The one day I wear mascara...

"Can I just come in? Please?" His eyes are sad, that much I can be sure of. And he seems to really want to come in.

"Fine." I sigh, letting go of the door. He walks in eagerly, carefully shutting the door behind us.

I walk over to the counter, leaning all my body weight on it and taking in a breath.

"I le-"

"I wa-"

We start out speeches at the same time and I half laugh. He smiles a very small, almost invisible smile.

"You go." I say. If I know what he thinks before I launch into the inevitable, I might be able to spare myself some embarrassment.

"I'm sorry I'm all over the place all the time. I honestly haven't spent as much time with anyone as I have with you in ages."

"That's because we work together." I remind him.

"Would you shush?!" He sasses. I roll my eyes as he continues. "So I don't know what to do with that." He sighs with all the air in his lungs. "Then we had... The other night. And now I'm more scattered than ever."

I didn't expect him to open up and talk about this like he is. I feel something twitch within me, like a glimmer of hope. But hope for what?

"My turn. I'm not going to lie, I like you. You've made me like you. I think you know that. I don't- I can't understand you if you don't let me."

"I know. So I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for being a whiney bitch sometimes." I smile and he laughs.

"So we can be friends and not be constantly fighting?" He asks abruptly.

My heart sinks. Friends. Ok, Ellen. This is ok. You only like him because he's the only person you really know here and you spend a lot of time with him. He's ok, he's not your type. And he most certainly isn't anything you're looking for, I tell myself.