Dear Benjamin

Chapter Twenty-One

I backed into the hospital wall as a single tear slid down my cheek.

Where were you, Benjamin?

Everything going through my head was pessimistic, but I couldn't help it. All I could think about was you disappearing.

Dead.

Dead.

You were gone, Benjamin. I knew it. Deep down in my fragile bones, I knew.

I knew something bad would happen as soon as the voicemail clicked off. I did, I swear. But I never imagined what happened, what really happened. I never imagined what you'd look like, or what state you'd be in but I did imagine seeing you, one way or another. I never thought I'd not see you at all.

My shoulders began to shake, and my throat tightened.

My vision blurry from tears, I reached for the door handle and slipped outside the room, closing it quietly behind me.

Then, I ran.

I ran through the hospital, ran down the stairs, ran away from where you were supposed to be.

You were supposed to be there, Benjamin. But, you weren't.

I pushed past a group of grieving people standing near the doorway, and walked into the rain. But, I didn't walk quickly to get out of the rain. In fact, I started walking slower, embracing the feeling of rain. Rather than crying alone, the rain comforted my tears and drowned the sound of my sobs and heaving chest.

Soaked, I got into my car, and drove. I drove to your house, Benjamin. I don't even know why I did that.

I pulled up outside your house and sat, the car humming as I shivered silently from the cold or from the trauma, I couldn't tell. I couldn't bring myself to go to your doorstep, so I sat and watched the rain hit the window and watched it fall, leaving a trail as it fell.

Maybe people are like raindrops, Benjamin. Each one is different and every single one leaves a mark on someone else's life. Every one impacts another. Over time, the feelings will fade, just as the water trail does, but the memories will not. The memories are with them forever.

I couldn't help but cry, Benjamin. I knew that you would've wanted me to think you lived a happy life or to think of something remotely positive about the situation but I couldn't. I really, quite honestly, couldn't.

As I sat in my car with messy hair, bloodshot eyes, and soaked cheeks, I heard a bang.

And a loud yelp.

From inside your house.

Benjamin.