Gotta Be You [Complete]

Chapter 37

I looked at Harry and Niall. "And when I saw you, Harry, Niall, before I left. I felt my heart break even more that I wouldn't be able to see your faces anymore. I wanted, more than anything, to just forget about what happened and have things back to the way they were." I paused. "Even though I forgot about a year of my memory. Memories that changed things between us that I wish I could remember. Memories that make things complicated now that I don't remember any of it. Once I got on that train, I felt a part of me was gone, like it had stayed back home. I wasn't myself anymore once I got here. I was empty, I felt numb. And every day I succumbed to the darkness that was following me everywhere I went."

I looked down as tears started forming in my eyes but I quickly blinked them away, promising myself that I wouldn't cry. I needed to be strong right now. "I went about three months of closing myself off from everyone, even Trine and Sophie. I just didn't want to grow relationships with anyone because I was scared that I would end up getting hurt again. I didn't want to ever experience any more pain. So I isolated myself and soon I became more and more depressed. And then, one night, I couldn't handle it anymore. I found myself standing in between Presteigne and the train station, not know where I belonged. Here...or back home. I taunted myself thinking that I didn't belong anywhere. It felt like I had nowhere to go. I felt hopeless and I found myself feeling...nothing."

I looked up and saw tears in each of their eyes and a huge pang of guilt rushed inside of me. I wanted to stop but I knew I had to keep going. 

"Once I finally had enough of the inner torture, I...I didn't feel like going on anymore. I thought I had nothing to live for." I paused, taking in a shaky breath, remembering that moment that's been haunting me since. "So, I walked to the train tracks, deciding to end my life."

I couldn't hold it in any more, I felt a single tear roll down my face. "I saw my life flash before my eyes as the train was coming. I saw all of you and my friends and my family and I had a moment of peace right before I thought the train was going to take my life. But, like you found out last night, James saved me. At first, I was angry with him for what he did but then I felt - well, thought - that it was meant to be. That I was meant to go on the train tracks and have him save me. I thought that he was going to save me from the darkness that had taken over me. I thought that he would fix me, heal me, make me feel again. But I guess the world wasn't done pushing me down yet. I thought that I could get away from the hurt and pain that I felt when I left but it only brought me to a different kind of pain." 

Memories flashed through my mind again as the months of pain that James caused me replayed in my mind. Another tear rolled down my cheek.

"While I was going through that, I found myself..." More tears were spilling down my face more urgently now. "I found myself wanting to go home," I sobbed. "I wanted to feel safe again. I wanted to be loved again." I looked away, my whole body shaking in sobs. I put my hands up to my face and, a few seconds later, I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me.

"Let it all out, Isla," Liam said. "Just let it out. I know you've been holding it all in. It will all feel better if you just let it all out." 

And I did. I let out all of the hurt that I've felt, that I've kept bottled up inside me, as I cried in Liam's arms. Silence filled the room after a few minutes, except for a few sniffles that escaped me as I felt a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I let go of all of the pain that James caused me, I let go of everything that reminded me of James. I let go of James.

I pulled back and looked up at Liam. "Thank you, Liam," I whispered, wiping away my tears.

"Are you okay, now?" he asked, looking at me with worry.

I nodded. "Much better."

"Did you want to take a break or--"

I quickly shook my head. "No. I need to keep going. I'll be fine." I gave him a small, quick smile.