Strings Attached

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I had left shortly afterwards because I simply could not bear to look at Teddy that way, but today I was willing to stay for as much as I could. I was willing to stay for as much the doctor allowed me to stay.

I had decided that last night, and no one could keep me from doing it.

***

As soon as I arrived at the hospital, my whole world fell apart. I heard the words that I never thought I would hear from the doctor. He had been as sympathetic as he could. He had told us that he was very sorry, and he had even taken the time to explain to me how it had happened, but my brain only registered three words in that moment.

"He is gone."

My mom had squeezed my shoulder gently, and tears had begun to stream down her face as soon as she heard those words, but I knew better.

Teddy could not be gone. He had been alive just yesterday. It was impossible for him to be gone now.

"No." I smiled. "You're lying to me."

The doctor shook his head sadly. He placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm sorry."

I gently pushed his arm away and shook my head. "You shouldn't. I know Teddy is still alive."

"Tina..." Mom's eyes were full of tears, but I just gave her a reassuring smile.

"I'm fine, Mom. I'll go see Teddy now," I said.

I started walking towards Teddy's room with a hopeful smile on my face. That doctor had to be crazy. Teddy was still alive. He had to be. He would not leave me alone, not after everything we had been through together.

I kept walking, but with every step I took, I knew I was closer to my doom.

I tried to hide my fear with a smile. That doctor was probably confused. That was all. He probably had mistaken Teddy for another patient, and I had to prove him that he was wrong, that my Teddy was still breathing and very much alive.

I took my steps cautiously, as if I were afraid that the floor was going to break.

In reality, though, I feared that I was the one who was going to break.

I took my last steps towards Teddy's room carefully.

One...

I know you are okay, Teddy. I know you are. You are the strongest person I know. You are going to make it through this.

Two...

I love you, Teddy. I need you to know that I love you like I have never loved anyone before, and that no matter how messed up and nonsense your life has been, I want to be the one thing in your world that actually makes sense.

Three...

A person like you could never die, Teddy. Your spirit is stronger than other people's. Your soul is kind and beautiful, and I am glad that my soul and yours collided with each other.

Four...

Don't leave me, Teddy. You cannot leave me. You are the light in every inch of darkness that has ever threatened to make me its prisoner. Without you, I'd be doomed.

Five...

I'm hesitating now, Teddy, but it's not because I believe what that stupid doctor told me. It's because I know that you are awake now, and I have no idea of what to say to you. Does my hair look okay? I want to look pretty just for you, Teddy Bear.

Six...

I'm almost there. Be ready to receive the warmest hug that anyone's ever given you because these arms are more than ready to hold you.

Seven...

My lips ache for yours, Teddy. Don't worry. I'll be there soon. I am almost there, my love.

Eight...

Here I am now, Teddy, right in front of your room.

Nine...

Where are you, Teddy? Why is your room empty? I need to see you. I need you.

Ten...

I can't believe this is actually happening. It just can't. This must be a nightmare. When am I going to wake up?

"Tina..."

Mom was standing right behind me. I turned around to see that she was crying, and she extended her arms at me.

I snapped back to reality. Teddy, my beautiful Teddy, was gone. He was dead. He would never ever come back. He was forever gone, and no amount of tears would ever bring him back to me. Crying was not the answer. Suffering was not the cure.

Nevertheless, I cried. I cried till I could no longer stand and could no longer feel my legs.

I cried even as I fell to the floor because keeping my balance was impossible when I just felt so weak and helpless.

I cried even while my mother helped me up and wrapped her arms around me, whispering how sorry she was.

I cried because I ached for Teddy, and I had no idea of what to do not to fall apart.

I could feel a million daggers in my heart, and with every passing second, each one of them became more stuck in my chest.

The pain was more intense as I tried to breathe. It was not fair to know that I was still alive and breathing when Teddy was no longer with us. It was not fair that my heart could beat and his could not.

I bit my bottom lip and allowed all the tears to come out. Teddy could not leave me, not this way. He did not deserve to die. I did. I deserved to die because of how stupid and selfish I had been the moment he entered our house for the first time. I deserved to die because, unlike my mom, I had not made Teddy feel welcome that day.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout. I wanted to let all of my pain out, but all I could do was cry. I could only cry and feel the pain inside me growing. I could only cry and wish that this had never happened, that this all were a nightmare.

"I want to see him, Mom," I muttered numbly.

"I don't think that's a good idea right now," she muttered sadly.

I did not care whether it was a good idea or not. I only wanted to see Teddy one last time. I wanted to kiss his lips for the last time. I wanted to hold him, even though I knew he could never feel it.

"Please," I pleaded, my voice breaking. "Let me say goodbye."