The Trouble With Goodbye

Chapter Thirty-One

The parking lot is empty. I pull all the way around the bar to make sure he didn't park out back, but there's no sign of his truck.

I beat my hand against the steering wheel. I have no idea if he's at his uncle's or if he's gone out to the lake tonight to work.

I need to see him.

I pull my phone out of my bag to text him and ask him to meet me, but headlights flash in my rearview mirror and I look up. Through the rain, I can just make out Knox's truck as he parks beside me and gets out.

I throw my phone onto the passenger side and get out of the car, not even caring that it's pouring rain.

We meet in front of his truck, our bodies illuminated by the headlights. I throw my arms around him and press my face into his chest.

"I'm so sorry," I say over the sound of the storm. "I never meant to hurt you."

"Your hands are shaking," he shouts. He takes my face in his hands and lifts my head up. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I don't know anymore," I say. Inside, my heart is pounding. Everything else is spiraling out of control in my life and all I want to do is hold on to him.

"I'm so sorry for how I acted earlier," he says. "I completely overreacted. I was coming to talk to you when I saw your car speed past me. I followed you back here," he says. "I needed to see you. I wanted to apologize for what happened today."

I shiver as the rain pours down on us. I press closer to him, gathering his shirt in my fist. "No, you were right, Knox. I'm so fucked up when it comes to my mom. I've spent my whole life worried what she'll think of me. Of my choices," I say, raising my voice as the storm intensifies around us.

"It's okay," he says.

"No, it's not okay." Tears are coming so hard now, I just let them fall. I can't hold them back anymore. "I'm not okay. I'm a complete mess and you deserve more than that."

Knox wraps his arms around me. He presses his mouth close to my ear. "What I said earlier, in the hardware store? About falling in love? I wasn't being completely honest with you."

My heart sinks and I pull away, my eyes searching his.

"I'm not falling," he says. "I'm already there. Head over heels, helplessly in love with you. And no matter what it is you're holding back, I'll wait for you. I swear to god, I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you."

As he says it, I understand what he's been telling me. He's right. I haven't completely let him in, and he knew it before I did. I want nothing more than to say I love him too. But I can't.

I haven't allowed myself to love.

Standing here in the rain, I know this is it. This is the moment I either trust him with the truth or I walk away. I can't protect my heart and give it to him at the same time.

Fear rushes through me. I'm scared to death, but I want this. I want him.

"I have to tell you," I start.

I open my mouth to speak again, but a sob escapes and I have to lift my hand to cover my mouth.

Knox lifts me up in his arms and presses my shivering body tight to his own. He carries me through the rain to the back door of the bar. He somehow manages to get his key in the lock and pull me into the darkness.

The door closes, shutting the rain out and it's like we're in a cocoon, sheltered from the noise and the rest of the world. He flips on the lights and I see that we're in a storage room piled with boxes.

He sets me down. With a soft touch, he wipes the rain from my forehead, then runs the back of his knuckles gently across my cheek and under my eyes. "I don't want to rush you into anything," he says. "I love you, Leigh Anne. The last thing in the world I want to do is cause you pain."

I shake my head, the tears still fresh. "I need to do this," I say. "You're right. I've been holding back, too scared that if I tell you the truth, I'll get hurt. But I don't want to shut you out. I need to talk about this."

Sobs threaten my voice again and I try to take a breath.

He takes my hand. "Here, follow me," he says. "I'll make us a couple of drinks and see if I can find some towels or blankets around here somewhere. We don't have to rush this, okay? You can take all the time you need."

He leads me into the bar and just as he flips the switch to turn on the lights, lightning crashes somewhere way too close and the whole room plunges back into darkness.

We freeze, waiting, but the power doesn't come back on. It's silent in here except for the sound of the rain on the roof and the rumbling of thunder.

"Wait right here," Knox says.

"Where are you going?" I ask as he lets go of my hand.

"I've got some matches behind the bar, and I'm pretty sure I can find a few candles if I look around," he says. A few seconds later, he lights a match and the space around him glows with a golden light.

He smiles at me, then sucks in a breath and drops the match to the floor. He laughs and lights another.

I can't help but smile at him despite the pain in my heart. He tosses a book of matches at me and I catch them.

"Just in case," he says.

He shakes out the match in his hand and lights a third. He searches through some cabinets for a moment and finally pulls out two white pillar candles. He lights them both, sets one on the bar and carries the other with him into the back room.

Instead of sitting down on a bar stool, I hop up on top of one of the nearby tables and wait.

Knox comes back a few minutes later with a couple of blankets. He wraps one around my shoulders and pulls me in for a kiss.

"If you're not ready, I'll wait," he says again.

"I want to tell you. If you're still willing to listen."

"Of course," he says. He sets the candle down on the table and uses the chair as stepping stool. We both sit together on the table top, the light of the candles flickering around us.

My heart is racing and my skin feels heavy. My hands tremble as I pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

Knox waits patiently as I take several deep breaths in and out, making sure my voice is strong and my heart is calm.

When I'm finally ready, I push aside all my doubts and fears, and I start from the beginning.