The Trouble With Goodbye

Chapter Four

"Don't just stand there putting on a show for all the neighbors," she says. It's one of her favorite expressions and I swear I'd be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every time I'd heard it growing up. "I'll get your father up and have him bring your things in."

I pick up the overnight bag that has my toothbrush and other toiletries inside. "I hate to wake him up. I can bring them in."

"Don't be silly, I got it," my father calls from half-way down the staircase.

He opens his arms and pulls me into a big bear hug. I lay my head against his chest and catch the faint scent of his aftershave.

"How was your trip, pumpkin?"

"She put her car in a ditch," Mom says. "Some scruffy guy brought her home. Scared me to death. I thought someone was trying to break into the house. I was in the kitchen waiting for you to come through the back door like you always do. Then I looked out and saw that truck. My heart nearly stopped."

I want to scream. She's so judgmental, it makes me want to pull all my hair out. "Well, if he hadn't passed by when he did, I would have been stuck out there for who knows how long," I remind her.

"Thank goodness you're okay," Dad says. "What happened?"

I tell him about the deer.

His face twists with worry. "You were out on Harrison Farm Road? I'm telling you, that road is so dangerous. You're probably the sixth or seventh person to get run off that road by a deer in the past couple years," he says. He moves past me and begins bringing my things in and setting them down on the hardwoods. "I've stopped driving out that way all together if I can help it."

"Guess we're going to have to call Milton and ask him to go out and get the car in the morning," Mom says.

"Any idea where you were on the road?" Dad asks as he brings in the last of the boxes and closes the door. "Or will he be able to see it fine from the road?"

I know I should mention that the car is completely totaled, but I don't have the energy. "Can't miss it," I say.

My mother walks over and hugs my shoulders awkwardly. It's the first time she's attempted to hug me or welcome me home since she opened the door. "I know coming back here isn't exactly what you had planned, but I really think it's for the best," she says. She pats my hand. "Once you get settled, you'll see. You'll finally be able to put this whole thing behind you, once and for all."

I tense and pull away, reaching again for the bags at my feet. "I'm really tired," I say. "It's been a really long couple of days."

"Of course," she says. She reaches up and brushes my hair from my eyes. "Get some sleep. It'll be nice to have you sleeping safe and sound in your own bed tonight."

"Good night," I say. I give each of them a quick kiss on the cheek, then head up the stairs and around the corner to my old room.

Once inside, I throw my bags on the floor and shut the door behind me. I flip on the light and feel the weight of the past press against my shoulders. A past I thought I'd exchanged for some great adventure.

I'm still clutching the necklace in my hand. I walk over to my dresser and lay it across the top, brushing my fingertips across the engraving.

I wish my grandmother was still alive so I could talk to her about all this. I wish I knew the right thing to do. But I stopped believing in myself a long time ago.

Exhaustion weighs me down and I turn toward the bed. I don't even bother brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. I reach up and pull the chain on the ceiling fan, plunging the room into complete darkness. I find my way under the covers and pull them tight around me, finally surrendering myself to sleep.