Even Fat Girls need love.

Fight or Flight

"FUCK." I cried, as my trainer punched me. Anger shot through me. I began to fight better, and harder. I didn't do anything bad with my fighting I just began learning because Alex asked me to. He thought it would be better if I knew how to protect myself. Plus it felt good to release some anger. I liked fighting to be honest.

"Well done." Grunted my trainer, as he fell to the ground. "We must work on your innocent look. You look to tough before you fight. If you look sweet you'll be able to trick them. They'll be overconfident and then quickly realize you're much better than them," He said. 

"Yes sir," I nodded grabbing my water before taking a long swig.

"You're doing better though and the sweet look isn't hard. You just have to look nice, and innocent. Even though you're anything but innocent," He said, giving me a wink.

I shot him a flat look. "Fuck off," I stated before moving to a punching bag. I punched it hard. A million thoughts flooded my head as I continued to punch harder and harder. Today was a weird day. I felt so much but couldn't really tell what I was feeling. I was feeling angry because I saw Dylan this morning. His face had healed and he looked happy with Stephanie. I felt sad because I wasn't Alex's girlfriend yet, he hadn't officially asked me even though we spent so much time together and acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything felt so out of place lately and I don't understand why. It feels like I'm also waiting for Alex to fuck me over and I really don't want him to. The pain I keep feeling is exhausting. Everything suddenly felt overwhelming. I stopped punching the bag and stumbled back from it. I blinked away tears I didn't realize had fallen.

"Are you okay?" My trainer asked. Bringing me back to reality.

"I said, FUCK OFF. I'm done today. See ya later." I called, walking away shaking my head trying to get rid of my thoughts. 

"Your homework is to master the sweet face! If you don't I'll drop you."

"Whatever, drop me. I don't give a fuck right now." I whispered as I continued to walk away. If he heard me he didn't say anything else.
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"Calm down girl," Alex shouted into the phone.

"But I'm just saying I am innocent!! I just have a bad past but he doesn't have to be mean and throw it in my face. How are you supposed to be innocent when you're fighting? His yelling at me doesn't make me feel better!" I yelled back.

"Babe, I know. It's okay. Just calm down, because yelling at me just makes me upset too. Where are you?" He said calmer and softly. Making some of me calmer. But I was still kinda pissed off.

"Thanks, Alex." I whispered. "I just wanna be alone right now," I said as I walked into my favorite park. I remember the night Dylan took me here. Stupid fucking faker. I bid my goodbye him before hanging up. I sat on a bench that hid me from most of the park. I brought my knees to my chest and let my face fall. My hair covered my face. I felt numb. I couldn't tell myself what to feel. Sad? Angry? Most emotions? I just don't want to be numb anymore.

*** CUTTING TRIGGER WARNING!!!!***

 I reached into my pocket. I loved the cold metal feeling of it. I took it out, smiling at it. I pulled up my sleeve, I traced it up and down my arm. Not letting it cut yet. 

Then, I finally let the razor into my skin. I didn't go very deep, but deep enough I felt pain. I watched the blood pop out of my skin. I watched the red liquid slip down my skin. I did it again, a small smile forming as I watched myself bleed.

**Trigger over**

"Um. Hi." A voice said. I dropped the razor. I looked up at him wide-eyed, I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Hi." I croaked, my voice was unsure of itself.

"Whatcha doing?" He asked as he came closer. It was a dude, my age. Black hair, hazel eyes that popped against his pale face. I took in his appearance. Black long sleeve shirt, black skinny jeans with holes in the knees. 

"Well..." I looked down at my arm, disappointment bubbling in my stomach.

"Do you need a bandage?" He asked.

"Please." He handed me one out of his jean pocket.

"You know, I can't tell you not to because then I'd be a hypocrite."

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking into his beautiful hazel eyes.

"You're not Justin Bieber," He said with a laugh. "Anyway, I'm saying, cutting isn't healthy. But I can't tell you not to because I do it too. I come here to do it because I don't want to get caught at home. That's why I um, have the bandages on me."

"So you're saying that you were coming here to cut?"

"Kinda?" He sighed.

"You know, you're way smarter than me."

"How?"

"Well,  my friend is gonna see these and be like what happened, and what am I gonna say? A cat got me?" I laughed cruelly.

"Yea, why not? I mean here you are talking to some guy who could rape you."

"Are you trying to say you're a rapist?"

"No," He let out a small chuckle. "I'm just saying, you don't even know my name."

"So, what's your name? I'm Emily."

"Mine's Hayden. Well, my first name is Charlie. But my middle name is Hayden, and I hate the name Charlie. Don't ask."

"Okay," I let out a little laugh. "Anyway, are you still gonna cut tonight?" I asked with a sigh.

"No. I don't feel so bad anymore. Too bad I didn't get here sooner." He said. Sighing as well.

"It's okay," I whisper. He wouldn't have changed much anyway. 

"Okay. Do you think I can have your number? You don't seem to want to talk to your friend about whatever is upsetting you enough to cut, so you could talk to me. And maybe vice versa?"

"Sure thing. I'd be glad to help. I really shouldn't cut myself, but if I help you stop, maybe you can help me?" I asked, hope actually bubbling in my stomach. I gave him my number and then with a smile we both parted ways.

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A/N: OMG SO FUCKING BORING RIGHT? IDK IF YOU EVEN LIKE THIS BUT FUCK IT RIGHT? I WAS LISTENING TO DEMI LOVATO'S OLD SONGS AND OMG I MISS THEM. LIKE WARRIOR AND SHIT LIKE THAT AND YEA. I LOVE HER. YAY. BTW I ALREADY HAVE IDEAS FOR THE ENDING AND SHIT. BUT MY FINGERS DON'T TYPE ENOUGH? ANYWAY, I LOVE YOU TURDS AND YEA, ANOTHER UPDATE SHOULD BE SOON. I HOPE? LOVE YOU! HAVE AN AMAZING, DAY, NIGHT, OR WHATEVER. I LOVE YOU AND SMILE BC YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING. DON'T CHANGE, BC I'M INSPIRATIONAL. NOT LOL I'M STUPID. BUT YOU'RE SMILE IS BEAUTIFUL LIKE YOU. I' WASTING TIME LOVE YOU. KKTHANKSBYE.

2020 update: Aw I that's kinda sweet. I love you, beautiful people, still, thank you for reading if you are currently reading this :))