Pigeons & Planes

Forty

         Now, she returned somewhat healthy and restored with color in her cheeks and light in her eyes. She had aged well around her grief, barely looking the forty-six years old that she was. Her onyx colored hair was only graying around her edges as she had it placed back into a bun. Like me, Mother was adorned in all black, quiet and succinct in a mourning manner.

         I hadn't seen her in five years, but I already loved the way she looked at me and touched me. Maybe her love would be unconditional. The way I wanted and needed to be loved.

         I wanted to go to her, confess my sins and wrongdoings regarding Alec and falling for Nina, if only to clear my conscience. In Soh's eyes, I was righteous in my decision to spare Hector. My troubled heart knew he was right, but felt treachery when I thought of my brother.

         Would I always feel so fickle on the matter?

         The haze of heavy thoughts caused me to sit after a while and hang my head in shame, grief and loss.

         If I had to make the decision again, I would still spare Hector, again and again. The only trouble was convincing myself that I wasn't Judas for such an action.

         Mother talked to Father for a good twenty minutes to a near half hour before she came out to me and had me stand to hug her.

         In her arms I melted and relaxed, feeling comforted and cared for. Where was she when I needed her all those years before? Why had I abandoned her when it could've always been this way? Maybe if I had've gone to Korea with her Alec would be alive and Nina wouldn't be lying in a hospital with a bullet wound with my name on it.

         Mother caressed my cheek. "Let's go home."

         I nodded against her palm. "Yes."

         She peered up at me, appearing serious. "You have some words for me, yes? Your eyes and your melancholy speak of more than Alec and your father; you are heart broken, no?"

         Again I nodded. "Ne."

         Mother's eyes studied me thoroughly as she remained touching me. "And these two events are related, are they not?"

         "Ne."

         "Tell me, son, what have you done?"

         "It's a long story, Mother."

         She didn't hold disgust or frown, but she simply smiled, just a little. "Don't worry; we have a long way home."

                  *      *      *

Despite the four hour car ride back to Hacienda Heights, Mother and I had remained silent. Even after so long I was okay with that, her presence was warm and gentle. I felt at ease in it. Being the tough guy was all I had ever been since she'd been away, but with her—and Nina, I allowed myself to drop the bravado and just be.

         At home, where I discovered her bags had been left in the foyer, she took me to the living room and sat me down with her. At once she let me lay my head on her lap where she immediately began stroking my arm and running her fingers through my hair, as if to soothe me.

         For so long I sought out power as a means of worth and prosperity, but this touching sensation and embodiment of love, was all I could ever truly want or need. Her nurturing caress warmed my heart and made me feel okay.

         "Tell me what's gone on," Mother said. "Alec always spoke so well of you during our weekly phone calls. He never mentioned a girl, though in the end he was suspicious."