I'm Going Slightly Mad

Chapter Fourteen

When he woke up, Lucas had left him a voicemail. This didn’t strike him as unusual. Though Lucas could get extremely angry, he could never stay that way, and was always eager to apologize, even if he didn’t need to.

“Aaron, I know I said a lot of things I shouldn’t’ve yesterday, and I feel terrible about it. I want to apologize, even though I know you probably won’t listen.” He chuckled nervously. “Uh, yeah. You aren’t just a kid. You aren’t stupid. And I’m sure you can take care of yourself, it’s just... I feel responsible for you for some reason, and I need to feel like you’re safe. I probably go overboard trying to keep you out of trouble. Even when it’s something really bad, these are things you need to learn for yourself. Coddling you won’t help at all, and I know that! I just can’t seem to... to trust you, as bad as that sounds. I’m afraid you’d try to take on too much, that it would all backfire, and you wouldn’t just end up hurt, you’d end up dead. I don’t know. God, I’m terrible with words. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I don’t blame you for trying to punch me, though I would’ve been really pissed if you’d actually done it. Right, ah, goodbye.”

Aaron sighed and rubbed tiredly at his face. He felt terrible about all this. It was just a stupid fight, and he knew they’d be back to normal in no time, but that didn’t make it okay. He’d tried to hit Lucas-- his best friend! What kind of a person was he if he was totally okay with punching his best friend in the face? He would’ve let it evolve into a real fight, too. He would’ve kept going, would’ve punched and bit and kicked, and eventually, Lucas would’ve beaten him into the ground, and Aaron would finally be satisfied, even if most of his ribs were broken and he was bleeding internally. Because he was just a violent kid, and couldn’t handle his own life.

He winced and dialed Lucas’s number, hoping to God that his friend didn’t pick up. Much to his relief, the phone rang and rang and rang, and he was finally able to leave a voicemail.

“You didn’t have to apologize,” he started. “This was my fault, and you didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. Mostly. I maintain that I can pick my own friends, but that’s beside the point.

“I am just a kid. I know this, and I’m fine with it.” He took a deep breath. Lucas had won, he realized; he was actually going to think about it, for the first time in four years. “I’m just a kid, but I won’t be for much longer, and it scares me. That’s why I refuse to grow up: because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of being responsible for myself, afraid of having other responsibilities, terrified of not having a safety net... just the thought of growing up... it horrifies me. It’s pathetic, I know, but I can’t help it. I’m afraid.

“I’m really sorry I tried to hit you. It was entirely uncalled for, and I feel so stupid about it. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to hurt you, even if I try sometimes. Usually, I’m just lashing out because I’m afraid again. I... I’m afraid of a lot, I guess. Cherish that confession, because you’re never hearing it from me again.

“As bad as I feel about what happened yesterday, I’m not going to stop hanging out with Miles. If he still wants to hang out with me. I think you’re judging him too harshly because I’ve gotten so close to him so quickly, and I’m not giving up on him. I won’t make you two hang out together, though. That was a dumb idea from the beginning.

“So, yes. I am so sorry about yesterday, and I understand where you’re coming from. I have my own reasons for not growing up, I told you, and they aren’t easy to change. I know; I’ve tried.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to fix me. Please,” he said, voice soft.

He hung up, hands shaking. That was his biggest secret: his fear of growing up, and he’d just revealed it, over the phone, at that. He didn’t even know why it was such a big worry of his; it was something everyone had to face, and most people took it so much better than he did. But it scared him more than anything else, no matter what he did to try to soften the blow, and he just wasn’t sure how to fix himself.