The Look Of Knowledge

22.

Mika

"So, what's the plan?" Nikolai said pouring hot water in two mugs.

"There's no plan, it's over" I said taking the pink one and resting my back on the couch again. "I mean, we didn't even start anything, but we're over"

"Have you met Julian? He's gonna keep calling and looking for you. He won't just let it go" Nikolai said taking a seat in front of me. "Where are you even staying right now?"

"It will pass eventually" I lied taking a sip from my coffee. "I dropped my bags at Fab's"

"Don't wait up then, because if ten years later he still feels the same..."

"I don't know where else I can go, Niko" I interrupted him.

"What do you mean?"

"I have no choices left. You've seen him, he's got it together now. I don't want him to go back to his old ways because of me, he's a father" I grabbed my purse and took my phone out. 9:43 pm. Four missed calls. One from Albert and the rest from Julian. Five messages. All Julian's.

"How do you.. You can't know for sure he'll go back to drinking" He stated rubbing his temples.

"That's true, but I can't take that risk. No kid needs an alcoholic father, believe me, I know" I unlocked my phone to read Julian's messages.

'Where r u going?'

'Is everything alright?'

'I have Cal 2nite so don't call after 9pm cause he's having trouble sleeping.'

'Nevermind I just googled how to set the device so it can vibrate.'

'???'

"Listen, this is a suggestion.." Niko said looking at me carefully "You want to be with Julian, right?"

"It doesn't matter what I want, it's about what he nee-"

"Right, right" he cut me off "But you want it, and you're the only one who can make it happen. Maybe it's your turn to get your shit together, Mika. You could go to rehab or..."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen" I said.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to. I'm fine, I don't wanna be better." I really didn't have a good answer for that, Niko always hits the spot but I knew how I felt and that was it. "I'm gonna go, now that I'm finally done with Richard. I know that if I disappear he'll go back to Juliet. He needs a family"

"I don't understand why you're thinking of all this just now..."

"It's kinda hard to explain, Niko.. I've become very numb this past few years. I started to feel like everything I've been doing is pointless, and I blamed everyone else but me. Today Rich made me realize that it's all my fault. Not his, not my father's, not Julian's... only mine. And that's when it hit me, I'm 28, not 40. I still can start over. I don't need to love when I can go wherever I want!"

"Woah! hold on" Niko said shaking his head. "Are you saying that you want to leave, like, the city?"

"Yeah, maybe even the States, I've always wanted to live in Tokyo, you know?"

"Oh my god this is just fucked up" Nikolai stood up and closed the hallway door which took to the bedrooms where his wife and daughter were sleeping. Once done that he raised his voice. "He will go after you, you know that! You can't just disappear"

"Come on, Niko, he's not that stupid" I said. Julian is very intelligent so I was sure he wouldn't do something so dumb.

"He is! When it comes to you he's just like.. He doesn't have a brain. The guy stopped his whole life because he was hung up on you" I hated him saying that. How was I supposed to know Julian was still in love with me? I felt like I had ruined his youth. His golden years as some say.

"Whatever, okay?" I stood up too hanging my purse on my shoulder. "I'm giving up my entire life because of him. He's gonna have to respect that"

"Okay, I get it" Nikolai said and walked over to hug me which I did too. Then after a few seconds he let go. "Let me know whatever you do, alright? Think things through"

"Will do" I said and walked out the door leaving Nikolai's place.

It wasn't that cold anymore. It was actually cooler in the house. I took my coat off and wondered around to find a liquor shop or maybe a bar. Niko moved here about a month ago so I wasn't familiarized with the zone. It was nice though, him and Ilona changed Elysia to a new school which is supposed to be better.

I heard Sympathy For The Devil playing and after a few seconds I realized it was my phone ringing, so I looked for it in my purse. I forgot I even changed my ringtone.

It took me a while to find it so I hurriedly picked it up without even reading the Caller ID.

"Hello?" As I spoke I prayed to god it wasn't Julian.

"Mika?" I heard Albert's shaky voice.

"What's up?" I was relieved.

"Rich is acting weird" he said, I noticed he was almost whispering.

"He's probably on something, it will go away, don't worry" I tried to calm him down as I crossed the street where I spotted a liquor shop.

"I think he's.. got a gun or something"

"What?! Are you sure?"

"I mean, I haven't seen it but I think I heard a shot"

"Albert are you fucking kidding me?!" He didn't say anything. "Do you think he...?" I was too afraid to ask and my mind was thinking the worst.

"I don't know.. I'm too afraid to look."

"Did you try calling his name?" I started wandering around trying to find a cab.

"Yes, but he's not answering me"

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

"Okay, I'm on my way" I said stopping a cab.

•••
I'm getting rusty I knoww