Sound The Bugle

7

Daniel Cooper

I pace up and down my living room. I'm angry, but not with Nikki, with myself. It's been fifteen minutes since she left. Fifteen minutes since I very almost kissed her.

Why did I? What on earth is so special about her that I nearly kissed her?

I have no idea. I run my fingers through my hair as I continue to pace up and down. It's not fair on Nikki. I know that I can't commit to a relationship. All I'm going to do is play with her feelings.

Part of me would love to just confess everything to her, to let her in and let her be there for me. I'd like to be the one that looks after her and protects her.

But I can't. I've done things that I'll never forgive myself for. I can imagine that some people would say I did what I did to get out of hell, but I'm so ashamed of myself.

Today, I've told Nikki more than I've told anyone. I don't know how she managed to get me to confide in her, but just like she said it would, it feels as though a ton of bricks has been lifted of my chest.

She also told me that I'm not alone in this and for once in eight years of pain, I feel as though there is someone there for me.

My parents and friends always tell me that I can talk to them, but I think they'd be ashamed of me if I told them everything. Plus, I couldn't handle the sympathetic looks. I don't get them from Nikki. She doesn't treat me like I'm damaged. She treats me like a normal person who needs someone to talk to every now and then.

I sit down on my sofa and place my feet on the coffee table. I stare at my phone that's resting on the arm of the sofa. I feel awful about messing with Nikki like that. She wanted me to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her and then I chickened out.

Chewing on my lip, I pick my phone up and unlock it. I look through my call logs for Nikki's work mobile and press down until it asks if I want to send a text to that number.

I'm sorry, Nikki. I text simply then place my phone face down on the arm of the sofa. Letting out a long sigh, I sink back in to the sofa and flick the TV on.

Tonight, I will not be able to get any more sleep. I'm way to worked up. To try and calm myself, I do my best to focus my attention on the rubbish, late night shows. But it's really not working.

I can't erase the image of a hurt Nikki from my mind. I have absolutely no right to swoop in and hurt her.

****

I jerk awake at the theme tune for 'Good Morning Britain'. Rubbing my hands over my face, I look around my living room.

Then I remember the events of last night. Calling Nikki, Nikki coming over. Upsetting Nikki... Then falling asleep on the sofa.

The same guilt that I felt last night returns and I shake my head in attempt to clear it. That's not gonna happen. I press the button on my phone and the screen lights up.

Thursday January 17th 2015. It reads. I'm on an afternoon shift today. Maybe I could get a couple more hours sleep? Nope. Sleep really isn't going to happen now.

My gaze settles on the two empty milk glasses and half eaten packet of oreos on my coffee table, next to where my feet are propped up.

After another quick shake of my head, I stand up and take hold of the glasses and biscuits then walk through my house to the kitchen. I place the glasses in the dishwasher and put the oreos in the cupboard.

For the remainder of the morning, I potter about the house, tidying up, having a shower and finally getting dressed in my uniform. A crisp, white, short sleeves short, black trousers with my heavy boots, and the number plates on my shoulders.

My helmet, bullet proof vest, and various other items, are all in my locker at work.

I glance at the time again. 12:02pm. It takes me twenty minutes to get to work and it's my turn to bring Duncan coffee again. If I leave now, I'll be there with time to spare.

After slipping on my fleece, I pick up my ID card from the kitchen counter, my phone and keys then leave the house and make my way to the silver Mazda parked on my drive way.

It takes me thirty minutes to arrive at work with two coffees in hand. I climb out of my car and lock it then make my way towards the office.

I flash my ID card at the receptionist and he smiles, opening the next door for me. Nodding, I carry on my journey up stairs.

Pushing the door open to our conference room, Sergeant Duncan looks up and smiles at me, a slightly sympathetic look in his eyes. I look away, annoyed and quickly place his coffee in front of him.

"Thank you, Cooper." He says distractedly as he reads the files he has in front of him.

I look over to the other side of the large table to see Regnary leaning back in his chair, on his phone and a few of the others are engaged in chatter.

I take my seat next to Regnary and he looks up at me. "Hey, man." He smiles at me and I return the smile briefly, still tired from last night.