Good Kid-Bad Kid[COMPLETED]

Chapter 58 (Niha & Laila)

So, for the next two hours Yassin and I made Samosas and pastries (which went horribly wrong the first time I put them in to bake), working comfortably together. I couldn't help but think about how awesome Yassin would be with Niha- a guy helping out in the kitchen was one of the golden wishes a girl had.
"So..." I said after a while of comfortable silence, "Niha?"
Her name was enough. He smiled ruefully, "what about her?"
"You've been texting her, haven't you?"
His ears reddened, "yeah" he admitted, not meeting my eyes. I felt uneasiness claw at me, immediately getting the feeling something was wrong.
"What happened?"
"The news happened"
"What?"
He sighed, running his hands through his hair, "there was some major fighting between Cedochi and Buria guys on the dock..." He met my gaze helplessly, "and well, it's a pretty big deal. Half the dock is on fire, twenty guys were killed-"
"Was Badr there?" I interrupted, feeling cold and shivery all of a sudden. Yassin nodded, then added "and Bilal"
I nodded mutely, feeling frozen. What did he do? Badr...
"They're okay" he assured me, misinterpreting my expression.
I gave him a shaky laugh, "that's not what I'm worried about"
"Then what is it?" He demanded, "Niha said these people are ruthless and don't care about lives lost but you tell me- we do what we have to do to make this work so what's wrong with it?" He motioned to nothing in particular but I got his point...to an extent.
"They attacked us first" he added, "Bilal told me, our guys were unloading cargo and Buria decided to attack, didn't even withdraw after they ran out of supplies"
"There is a difference between killing because you have no option and killing because you enjoy it" I replied slowly, trying not to offend him "and I think it's fairly obvious the latter is Badr's fit"
Yassin stared at me, deep in thought, discerning my words it seemed. He looked confused but did not disagree with my statement about Badr. I decided not to take this further- they knew what they were doing was wrong and it didn't take me to tell them that.
"Anyways" I said, shaking off my hard expression into a small smile, "let's get these in the freezer shall we?"
He returned my smile, relief breaking out on his face, and we began carefully arranging the stuff in snap lock bags and fitting them in the freezer. We chatted a little more and I explained Ramadan to him which he was deeply interested in but then his phone started ringing and he left, leaving me to my thoughts.

I didn't want to be left to my mind's clutches.

I'd tried hard to see past the fact that Yassin, Badr and Bilal were all heavily immersed in Cedochi and no matter how many excuses I made for them internally, it did not change the fact that all of this was wrong. More then that it was haram, and even if they had no such Islamic knowledge as such these things were inherently, moralistically wrong.
But how to get out of it?
My eyes suddenly burned, a lump forming in my throat. I was still a little scared of Badr at times but Bilal and Yassin had almost become brothers. I found it hard to fathom what they did, hard to accept behind such people there was so much darkness.

"Yo I'm back" Badr's voice floated up the stairs followed by the door closing heavily behind him. I blinked and quickly started washing up, trying to appear busy so he would assume I hadn't heard.
The truth was the theories running through my head as to what he might have done tonight, and that meant I neither wanted to see him or hear him or-
"Hey Laila" Badr said loudly, coming around to the kitchen bench. I jumped, dropping a plate into the sink floating with water.
"Ugh!" I exclaimed as dirty water splattered my arms, "Assalamualaikum Badr" I wiped it away and pulled out another dirty dish to watch, not meeting his eyes.
Go away!
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly, sounding concerned. I turned away, pretending to be busy with half peeled potatoes, unable to look at his form.
"Yeah of course, why?"
"Laila" he sighed, "I know you. What have I done now?"
"Badr I'm a little busy right now so if you don't mind-?"
"Laila"
His fingers curled around my forearm and he pulled me gently to face him, searching my expression with those unreadable golden-black eyes. His gesture was not harsh but worried, as though he couldn't stand my distant demeanour. Nevertheless I flinched and he abruptly let go, muttering "sorry".
I gazed at him, taking in the grime streaked on his face, the mixture of blood and dirt on his shirt and arms, his pale skin shining through. The veins on his hands stuck out, as though he'd put them to hard work, and his fingers trembled ever so slightly. Without thinking twice I reached for his right, and he offered no hesitation as I picked up his palm in both of mine.
I met his gaze, which was full of tenderness as though my touch reached his heart. How deceiving looks can be.
"Guns" I sniffed, dropping his hand back to his side, "you used guns today"
Badr didn't deny it, but watched me as I went on.
"You killed people. Evil or not, whether they were criminals like you or not, you killed them...and you enjoyed it"
His expression hardened.
"Badr aren't you afraid of anything?"
That surprised him.
"Afraid?" His eyebrows knit together as he seriously considered my question, "I'm not afraid of many things"
"Not even of dying?"
"Laila..." He ran his fingers through his messy hair with a sigh, "as easy as it is for me to...kill...it's just as easy for me to get killed. So no, not afraid of dying"
The worst part was that he was genuine about it.
"N-not even a little bit?" My lower lip trembled.
Badr grinned, "nope"
That's when I did the most embarrassing thing possible- I burst into tears. I might have shocked him, but in a few seconds I was pulled into a crushing hug. I buried my face into his shirt, wanting to hide away somewhere and just disappear. How did I get into such a mess? I wished Baba had taken me to Singapore with him, away from all this. I cried harder thinking about Baba and Mama and how it'd been so very long since they'd gone. Badr hesitantly patted my head and said "it's okay" until my crying subsided into small sobs.
"Laila shhh look at me" he ordered when I was quiet, pulling back ever so slightly.
"I-"
"Look at me"
I obeyed, blinking away the bluriness in my eyes.
"I know you believe this is wrong Laila, and it is in a way" he told me, "and you're right, I do enjoy it- that's what makes this job so easy for me. When Buria attack my Cedochi I don't care about who they are- just like they don't think twice before pulling the trigger on us" he wipe away stray tear on my cheek absentmindedly, "We didn't really get a choice in any of this and now we live with this underworld. Hell, the first time I killed someone was when I was ten- it's second nature to me and there's not much that makes me feel bad about it anymore"
"D-did it ever-" I sniffed, "-occur t-to you some B-Buria were exactly in t-the s-same situation as y-you?"
I watched a range of emotions play across his eyes, silence growing between us as he thought about my question. My head suddenly felt very heavy and hurt, and I was sure this was being triggered by the new wave of stress. Badr's eyes never left mine as I backed out of his arms, further until nothing of us touched. Astaghfurillah... He looked kind of...hurt.
"I'm not a total monster"
I shook my head, clearing my throat, "no, but why do you sound so unsure of yourself?"
"I don't know" Badr whispered more to himself, "I just don't know"