6463 l.h

t h i r t e e n

I rather feel the physical pain than the emotional one, it hurts so much being even more painful than my broken heart. I open my eyes staring the blood around me staining the white bathtub. I glance to the razor on my open palm then stare my hurt thighs then back to the blade, knowing that just like Luke it won't love me back.

The razor falls from my hand because of the sobs, I stare the bloody mess I made. And in this moment I don't feel empty anymore.

Now I understand it. Now I know what that void in me was: sadness.

Since I met Luke he brought a spark into my life, he removed the darkness and sadness from within me with his charm and care. Now that I lost him to Ashley, my old friend called sadness is back in its home: my heart.

I can feel it kicking in. The dormancy taking over control making my mind shut down every thing I could care about. Now I feel like me again, it's fucked up to realize that being sad and in pain makes me feel like me. Makes me whole.

It still hurts but I've been in pain every since I can remember so it feels like home. My heart is still broken but I'll survive, it has been like this since I figured out that love is torture. The pain is here haunting and taunting me making me go back to what I was before someone woke my heart up but I don't mind because it reminds me that I should take my distance.

And that's what I'll do. I'll wake up every morning with a broken heart and will bare the day with a fake smile, letting people think they know me but in reality they never will. I will keep broken inside because there's no point to fix what is doomed to be broken, and I will go back to being shallow.

My eyes are shut down collecting my memories with Luke and storing them in the back of my mind. I remember everything, but I won't allow myself to feel it anymore.

...

I stayed in bed for several hours, Gammy came to check on me and I said it's bad cramps. It's almost one am and I can't sleep, I couldn't eat or function. I leave the bed and go dress myself up, I need to shake it off. I pick a little black dress with a open back and make my make up dark on the eyes but light on the rest, skipping the lipstick. I call a cab and prepare my clutch and heels to leave. It's Wednesday night and I want to dance and get wasted.

I google about a night club and tell the taxi driver the address, after twenty minutes I'm inside and heading to the dance floor. The sparking lights blind me because of the contrast of too much light to a second of darkness. I see glowing sticks and glowing body paint going around along with LED glasses and shirts. My body moves along with the electronic beat and within a minute I'm dancing like I have nothing to worry about.

Like my heart isn't broken or my mind isn't troubled. Like I don't care about being sad and it makes me feel good. I dance like I was alive just for once. People around me are dancing as well, boys gather around to move their bodies along with mine. I smile and jump in excitement. It doesn't matter how fucked up is my life during day, at night I can rest with the beat. The blinding lights soothes me, keeping me away from seeing reality, the loud music makes me go deaf and prevent myself from hearing lies and empty promises or even listen to my own voice making me believe my own lies.

My favorite song was playing so I closed my eyes and moved along with the beat.

Tonight, I want to forget

I want lights to blind me

I want beat, want to disappear

When the song ended and another beat came along I dragged my body to the bar, I spot a familiar face behind the counter but I couldn't see exactly because I was too far, but when I reached the stool and sat down I saw Ashton's face.