It Doesn't Even Matter

I'm messing this up aren't I?

"I- I'm here because..." I try to backtrack not sounding confident at all. "I-"

"Great he's a nut job too, one more reason for you to stay away from him. Come on let's go." He reaches out taking Sofie's wrist and I watch her pull it away looking uneasy. I feel like all of the wind has been knocked out of me. I'm deflating, my physiatrist was probably right. I can't handle being this open with so many people right now, especially when they could look at me like that. That all too familiar itch on my skin has returned the want to tear it away returning with it.

"He's not a nut job he's my friend and I take serious offense to you calling him one. Is that what you think of me too?" His eyes soften for his sister and I watch him pull her into a hug. My tense body relaxing a little feeling bad for her.

"Of course not Sof, you know that, never, it's just that... he's different." Different the word rings in my ears and the want to crawl all the way back into my shell and hide again takes over completely. This made me different. I know it doesn't but hearing him say it only reinforces the negative pattern of thought I have around all of this that I'm trying to get rid of.

"Why because he needs to go to therapy, doesn't that mean you see me as different too?" Sofie steps back to look at him squinting her eyes and scrunching up her mouth.

"No, NO! Of course not you're twisting my words. This is different, he's different from you. He has... stuff," he runs a hand through his hair looking up at the sky for a moment, and then turns to look at me. "There are rumors that he has things wrong with him... things that this just confirms." Now his eyes are looking at me a little bit more like they were when he was looking at Sofie and my anger from before returns.

"I don't want your fucking pity, you don't actually know shit about me."

"I wasn't trying to "

"No one is, but you still were. And I don't want it. I'd rather you treat me like crap and assume I'm crazy than look at me like that. But I don't deserve that either, I shouldn't be treated poorly or differently because..." I pause for a moment and my heart sinks to the bottom of my chest. "Sofie was-" She was one of the only people not to treat me like that right away. Even Brit faltered a little when I first told her I was an alcoholic and sure Sofie didn't know that, yet I didn't see it change things between us when I did tell her. "I'm sorry, you gave me a chance when not a lot of people were and I've pulled away, broken my end of our promise. So I know a second one won't fix this but if-" I stop cut off when Sofie throws her arms around me and try not to pull away or be obviously shaken by it. Slowly I force myself to hug her back and we stay like that for a second until her brother clears his throat.

"Sorry," Sofie says pulling away and looking a little embarrassed. "I just-" she thinks better about whatever she was going to say and stares down at the pavement. "I told you I wouldn't stop trying even though you told me to because I could tell you needed me and then I stopped too. I didn't exactly keep our promise either...." She trails off in a way that lets me know we are on the same page. We want to be friends and we both feel a little uncertain about letting the other in again.

"What promise?" Her brother still has a protective edge to him that's making me a little nervous.

"A secret promise that's none of your business." He frowns at his sister his eyebrows scrunched up at me.

"I want to make something clear here. I don't trust or like you."

"No shit."

"And you've hurt my sister once already am I getting this right here?" Neither of us answers him. "And Sofie.. she has trouble making-"

"Shut up! Stop being an ass and give us a ride already so we can get out of here." She blushes and I feel like an even bigger jackass than I did before.