My Own Way

Chapter 11

'You always take away her toys, why?!' I remember my mom yelling.

'Damn it Jesse! Can't you just answer me...for once?'

I remember being in the corner of the room with my knees against my chest, crying my eyes out. He had my box and it played music.

It wasn't a jewellery box but it always played the same song. I didn't care...I loved it. My mom and I would dance to it.

I can see now that it must have been strange to pretend to be happy, strange for us to dance but I didn't know anything else and my mom tried her best to make it fun for us, when that was possible.

I didn't want him to take my music box. I always wondered where all my toys went after they'd leave our room. Did he just put them in a different room? There must have been a big mountain of toys since he always took them back. Every time he gave me a new one, I thought it would be different. That he would let me keep it.

'Jesse!' She would keep yelling and hitting his back, his arms even his face.

If she made him mad enough, he would hit her back while I closed my eyes and quickly put my hands over my ears. I hated hearing the sound of his hand hitting my mother's skin.

I tried my best to cry silently because if I made to much noise, he would get angry with me and my mother always paid the price.

He wouldn't say a word and walk out the door. My mom couldn't reach it. She always tried, every day she'd pull on her chain but nothing helped. She still couldn't reach the door. She'd lie down on the floor and was able to touch it with her finger tips but not while she was standing.

I asked her if I could help because I wasn't attached to anything.

'No baby. I don't want you anywhere near him. I don't want you to get hurt. You are the most important person in my life. Please...stay far away from him as you can. Okay?' She'd say while I just nodded.

'Jesse! ...Jesse!' She'd yell over and over after he'd close the door and we'd hear the locks.

After hearing those locks my mother would stop shouting. It wasn't going to change anything.

She'd walk up to me and sit on the floor and put her arms around me.

'I'm so sorry baby.' She'd say over and over. She'd pick me up and put me on her legs to hold me closer while I just cried...over a ridiculous toy.

I shook my head and let the hot water wash away my tears. I was glad Lisa wasn't home. I didn't have to rush to get out of the shower. I could use all the hot water I wanted and no one would care.

When I got to my room I started to work on my hair. I wanted to look nice but not too nice. I straightened my hair and then put a little bit of make-up on.

Once that was done, I walked around our apartment and cleaned a bit. It wasn't dirty or messy, probably because I wasn't here all the time and Lisa always cleaned up after herself so there wasn't much to clean.

I saw Lisa's laptop and grabbed it. She didn't mind me using it so I opened it. I played Solitaire and watched TV at the same time for more than an hour trying to make it go quicker.

I felt like time was going so slowly. I wanted time to fast forward but also stand still. I wasn't sure if I was ready to learn the truth. Knowing both my parents and Emily would be furious but I needed to do this.

I needed to know.

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I knew I was going to be early, I didn't know by how much but most importantly, I didn't want to be late.