I was living in a nightmare.
Every waking hour hurt. When I slept, I swam through nightmare after nightmare. It's been two days since my mother took her least breath. We were not planning a funeral. She always told me when I was a kid.
"When I die I want you to take my ashes and scatter them in places I liked."
I kept my promise. Lying in bed I could see the brown box that held a bag which held the grey remains of my once beautiful and strong mother.
My body felt weak. I hadn't moved in two days. After my mom had died I had driven home and I haven't come out of my room since aside to go to the bathroom which still took effort.
Missy is still living with me but she found a job as a nursing assistant at the local hospital. I'm very grateful for her because with how I am right now we would be in trouble.
Missy has been feeding me and paying the bills and she even called my boss up to tell him and he gave me a week emotional leave. I hadn't done anything and I knew I needed to quit moping around. Doing so wouldn't bring her back. Even with that thought I couldn't do anything.
Getting up brought memories of my mother back to me and I would go back down sobbing and panting. When that happened Missy would either come home or come in to sit with me.
That hadn't happened in a few hours and I just felt numb. Physically incapable of doing anything. I just stared off unfocused.
Family and friends had been blowing up my messages sending condolences but I just deleted them. I Didn't want their pity or their "sorry" remarks. I didn't want to know that my mom was amazing. I didn't want to see these people. I just wanted to lay here and die thinking of her.
--------------------
"Sky honey, you have to get up," Missy spoke sternly through the open door.
I didn't answer and continued staring at the blank white ceiling.
Missy groaned and grabbed my hand pulling me into a sitting position. The feeling of movement brought back memories and I let emotionless tears stream down my face.
"Sky," She began. "I miss her a lot too but crying is never going to bring her back and she would not be happy to know that you have been mourning her like this; she would not have wanted you to cry over her you need to get up and take a shower, eat, brush your hair, and get up darling it's time."
I sat motionless till she set her hand gently on my lower back and gave me a push to get up.
Slowly staggering towards the bathroom. I physically felt a weight resting on my shoulder. I just wanted a distraction from everything.
Missy sat me down and began to undress me. I was so overcome by sadness I didn't think twice about it. I helped her take everything off and set me into the shower.
When she turned on the water I sighed. We used to have to give my mom showers like this.
I sat at the bottom of the tub with my head leaned back on the wall and my knees pulled to my chest. Missy took the shower hose and began to wet my skin and hair. She massaged shampoo into my scalp and down to the tips.
She washed my body and even offered to shave my legs. I felt horrible for her and finally moved when she offered. I couldn't make her do that no matter how bad I felt.
She rubbed the conditioner and hair treatments into my hair as I slowly shaved my legs. I nicked a spot right below my knee and watched sadly as the blood ran into the drain.
