To Love a Half-Blood (A Kili Fanfic)

Chapter 56: All I Really Wanted

We sat laughing for a while, doing our best to keep quiet. We don't talk about the war. We don't talk about deaths. For now, we just need to be happy that we're alive. But eventually the looming questions of death counts, injuries and fatalities begins to creep into our conversation. My missing foot looms in my mind. I don't want to tell him. I want to pretend that I'm fine because, to be honest, I feel about the same. Yeah, there's pain and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to function now that I've basically lost my independence, but I feel like if I don't fixate on it maybe it won't be such a big deal. The look on my brother's face was almost worse than the amputation. The pity and guilt spread across his face just made me feel small and pathetic, something I've fought for my whole life. And every time the nurse enters to check up on us I see the same pity.

I'm still alive at least! Don't pity me. Pity those who have lost everything.

I realise it's impossible to hide this forever, but I still want to. But then it happens, he starts talking about the last fight.

"You scared me to death Lari-sar. I was resigned to my fate, just happy to die next to you. And the next thing I know my eyes are open, I'm alive and healed but for a little burn!"

"Sorry about that."

"You saved my life, again, Lari-sar. Thank you. But did you have to nearly kill yourself doing it?! When Legolas tried to explain it  it just sounded like a bunch of elvish gibberish, but what I got from it was you were going to trade your life for mine. If your brother hadn't found us when he did I would be alone."

Is he tearing up?

"I just had to sit there, Lari-sar. In between my dying uncle and your cold body. I thought you were dead! Watching them try to extract you from under Azog was horrible. How you didn't notice your own pain when you were with me at the end was amazing."

No don't go there. I don't want to talk about it.

"Your foot was so mangled. And it seemed to be all my fault. Azog was following us, I put you in that danger."

"Stop."

"He's been tracking us since we left the Shire-"

"I said stop. This was no one's fault but my father." A shocked look crosses Kili's face. "I saw him talking to Azog just before he attacked your family. It was a hit, the stupid old man thought he could control an orc army by some little agreement. I watched Azog run him through with contempt. Obviously Dain was just a tool, but regardless, it wasn't your fault at all." I laugh sadly, "And, to be honest, I've had about all the pity I can stand today."

"Do you want to see the fatality list?" He asks suddenly.

Not really, but yes. Just take a deep breath.

"Okay."

He hands me a very long alphabetical list of fatalities that Kili knew, mostly dwarves. I search for familiar names.

Fatalities of relations to: Kili, Child of Durin

Bifur Bomber Dain Ironfoot Daldria Dsimkak

Dimgini Norherbek Dori Dwintil Dwinum

Eleros Lord of  Númenor Gimlin Gloin

Griar Balstorgilbarmek Grunri

Munina,  Warg Foe Munzad Klbargromungak

Nori

I resist recalling Nori's bloody corpse.

Ragkona Runon

The next name knocks the air of me.

King Thorin Oakensheild

Oh god, Kili... Bilbo...

I don't even think I just drop in front of Kili's bed and clutch his large hand to my chest, squeezing my eyes shut. When I open them Kili's strong facade is cracking.

"There are so many gone." He whispers. "I lost my father and now him too... He didn't even get to see himself become king under the mountain."

"That's not what he really wanted, Kili. He wanted a home for his people and his family. He has won you that." I hold my breath to keep my voice from breaking.

"I just won't know what to do now. Poor Fili has the entire kingdom tossed on his shoulders, I can't leave him to struggle with this by himself. I'm not a leader, Lari-sar. I'm not wise or clever or even serious! I'm going to mess everything up-" this is where his voice finally wavers.

"No. Don't talk like that." I say firmly. "Come here." I climb onto the bed with him, cradling his head in my lap. "You are loving and loyal Kili, I would know." I assure him running my fingers through his hair gently. "That's what made Thorin a fantastic leader, his self-sacrifice and compassion. You have an abundance of those. And, as for everything else, war strategy and commerce, that just comes with time. It's a learned skill. Your uncle has trained you well, if the responsibility ever does land on your shoulders you'll do famously."

He nods. We just sit there for a while. Eventually he closes his eyes, the momentary panic fading.

When I am pretty sure he is asleep I whisper, "I'm sorry about Thorin, he will be missed."

"I'm sorry about your foot Lari-sar." He responds.

Wait- how did you?!

"Just remember, you're alive and that's all I really wanted."