To Love a Half-Blood (A Kili Fanfic)

Chapter 45: Not Yet

Still shaking with rage, Thorin spins on his heel and storms off with flustered troop of dwarves following him. The snow is picking up, sending great swirls of white rushing through the sky. The wind slips through my dress and I shiver. The dwarves scramble down the narrow stair, one by one, Dain at the flank. Despite his efforts, the dwarf-lord's eyes rest on me moment longer that he should. I pretend not to notice, staring off over the field of golden armor.

I listen to the thumping of the dwarves boots grow farther and farther away. I do not desire to be in their company. I can afford a moment to myself. When all is silent, I turn back to walk down the stairs, coming face to face with Kili. I stop myself midstep, wary of what he might do. His eyes are fixed on me. The weight of his gaze is so heavy on my chest, I nearly take a step back.

"Go." His command is low and threatening.

"KilI, Wait. I-"

"Do not say my name, traitor. Follow the halfling."

"I can't do that. You have to listen to me Melamin (my love)!" I plead.

"You would be wise and do as I say. My revenge on your treachery is only held at bay by my debt to you. My patience grows thin, leave." Kili's voice is unwavering and painful to listen to.

"Only by a debt?! Only the debt? Is your love so easily broken as to throw away my worth over a rock?!" I screech.

I search his eyes for a hint of emotion, a glimmer of last night.

"Love must go two ways, Larien! As much as I loved, it was received by an elven spy who cares for no one but herself! What does it matter if I love you? It is obvious you are only here for the payout."

"I did it of my own free will! I owe allegiance to no kingdom, Kili!" Words are tumbling out of my mouth in a waterfall of anger and regret. "I did it for you! Everything I did was because of my allegiance to you!"

"You lie as you breathe, forest rat! You have been manipulating me from the very beginning! You and Tharanduil were quite clever about it, weren't you? The sob story in the dungeon was a sweet touch." He spits.

"You think I made that up? You are raving mad Melamin (my love)! You saw for yourself that I was nearly dead!" My penitent state is replaced with boiling anger. "You are weak. That's what this is about!"

"I'm weak?! You're the one who couldn't swim! You are the burden that I carried across that burning town! You're the stupid mutt who couldn't ride a horse!"

Mutt?!

My anger builds inside me. Remembering his coat around my shoulders, I snatch it from me and throw it at him in a rage. The heavy coat hits him in the face, surprising him and snapping him from his rant.

"You are too weak and foolish to accept that what you want and what you need are two different things! You were losing yourself Kili! I was losing you! You cannot demonise me simply because you cannot cope with the idea that you could be wrong!" My voice rises to a fever pitch.

The wind bites at my back and I relish in the physical discomfort.

"You betrayed me. I loved you, Larien, and you tore my heart out. I was willing to give my life for you. Every moment of the day you haunted my thoughts. As I sat in meetings with Thorin, my mind wandered to you, and what you were doing. Was Larien sparring with Bilbo? Or sharpening her knives? Was she laughing at the antics of bird outside the window? But everything I imagined of you was wrong. You were plotting to betray me, not preparing for war or dreaming of the woods. I do not know you anymore. The strong, unwavering woman who saved my life has slipped away. You say I lost myself, but when did you become a thief?" His calm question twisted deeper into my heart than his angry rant. "Could you not have come to me Larien? Could you not have told me?"

His deep brown eyes bore into my mind, rifling through the guilt and options and the fear.

"This is the Kili that I wanted back." I whisper. "I couldn't have spoken with you before. Do you not remember? At the mere mention of the gold you nearly hit me."

His eyes widen for a moment but quickly return to normal. I stare at him, leaning closer to hear him murmur, "I'm sorry Larien, but I cannot forgive you, not yet." I nod and with draw.

"But will you at least listen to what I have to say?"