My Own Way

Chapter 9

"Do you think that being alone at my place, we can behave?" He asked.

I bit my lip, to be honest with myself, I didn't know.

Emily said no sex…fooling around wouldn’t be breaking any rule and there would still be talking…just not the kind she wants us to have.

"I can actually picture the little hamster running on the wheel in that head of yours." He said.

Losing my train of thought, "What? …Hamster?"

"Yeah, you're thinking real hard. What's up?" He asked.

"It's nothing... We'll be fine. I still have my pepper spray." I said with a big smile.

"That's scary please never use that on me... I remember seeing a show on TV, this dude got sprayed and it looks... very painful." He said.

"Don't worry tough guy. For the moment you're safe with me." I said.

"For the moment?" He asked, looking at me.

I laughed, "Yeah."

"So two adults...you and me...no sex... sure you can do that?" He asked.

"Oh course, why not?"

"Well we are talking about you. I have control over myself but you..."

"But me what? I don't?" I asked a bit insulted.

"I'm learning that you like control. You control everything you can and sometimes without the other person knowing. You push away things and people so that you won't feel. You do the same with sex. You always needed to be in full control, which don't get me wrong, that's just sexy as hell. I realized after awhile you let me take over, you let me have some control. You always make the first move because," He said laughing a bit, "I know better than to do it. I don't want to be someone you need to push away, even if you've done it a million times. I love that you let me have some control because it tells me that you're starting to trust me…even if it's just a little bit." He said with a big grin on his face.

I knew he was right, I tried my hardest to control everything around me, even when it never worked. Pushing people away was my specialty. At the same time it made me wonder, how could he see that so clearly after only having a few conversations?

"How did you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"What you just said, how did you come to that conclusion?" I asked.

He turned his face off the road for one second only to say, "I pay attention."

Once his eyes were back on the road he said, "But a better question would be… Can you do the same? Sometimes pushing people away makes you oblivious to others and their lives."

"I probably can't do the same but you have an advantage...my father." I said.

"True."

"For tonight, I think we'll be fine. I'll take the couch." I told him.

"The couch?"

"Yeah," I said laughing, "I'm not sure if I trust myself with you alone in a bed. It's asking for trouble."

He was silent for a minutes when he decided to respond, "True." he said with a smile not even looking at me.

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When we finally got into his apartment, I was tired except all I could think about was everything and anything but sleep.

"Are you thirsty?" He asked walking towards the kitchen.