Undercurrent

Chapter 29

I'd been ready to respond, to argue again about how betrayed I felt but Ro's admission stopped me in my tracks. I sat looking at her, unsure what to say next, as she started to speak again.

"I haven't lied to you Nina, but I haven't completely told you the truth either, and I'm sorry for that," she said. "Ollie is my best friend but there's never been anything between us because I'm not into boys."

"I don't understand," I said. "If you're not together, why did your mum call him your boyfriend? Why did he say how lucky he was to be with you?"

"You've met my mother," Ro sighed heavily. "She likes everything to be perfect, or at least, she likes everything to be her idea of perfect. I've never come out to her – we don't really have that kind of relationship – but she's always suspected, I think. She's dropped a few not-so-subtle hints, anyway." She gave a derisive laugh. "Every time I make a new friend – a friend that's a girl – she's always so bloody unpleasant to them. Then, we end up arguing because I'm just so mortified by her behaviour."

I thought back to the times I'd met Ro's mum. She really had been oddly rude to me. I guess I'd just thought she was having an off day or she was just a bit peculiar. Ro had talked before about how difficult she found her relationship with her mum and how she was jealous of mine. It had been weird how Ro had rushed off when she and Ollie had come to decorate the café and the hushed but angry voice she'd used on the phone to her.

I remembered what Ollie had said after she left. That Ro's mum was disappointed that she wasn't the 'picture-perfect Rosemary that she'd imagined'. He'd been painting the window at the time, spending ages getting the two girls holding hands just right. It was starting to add up.

"I haven't told Ollie what we talked about," Ro said. "That's why he was holding my hand and saying he was my boyfriend."

"Why would he say that though? If he isn't, I mean." Things were starting to make sense but this part had lost me.

"Ollie likes to make things better for people," she said. "Especially the people he cares about the most." That was true, I thought. He really did go out of his way to help people where he could.

"Yeah, I guess." I still couldn't quite see where this was going.

"He saw how upset I was every time Mum made a dig about me spending too much time with a girl or how embarrassed I was when she'd be rude to my friends," she went on. "One time, after she'd been really awful, he sat with me while I cried and I eventually came out to him. I told him everything." She smiled at that. "You've said yourself how easy it is to open up to him."

I nodded. "Yeah, it is."

"So anyway, I told him how cruel Mum had been, all the homophobic comments and belittling. Then, Ollie said that he'd be my boyfriend. Not a real one," she clarified. "But whenever Mum came to pick me up or she was there for whatever reason, he said he'd pretend. Just to keep her off my back, you know?"

It really did sound like something Ollie would do. He'd saved my life twice and he'd only known me a couple of months. Pretending to be his best friend's boyfriend so her homophobic mother would leave her alone was really no big deal in comparison.

"I should have told you though," she said. "I'm sorry I didn't."

I shook my head. All the anger from earlier had left now. I was just sad. Tired and sad. "No, you shouldn't," I said. "I appreciate you telling me but you don't owe me that; you don't have to share that with anyone if you don't want to."

"I know," she said. "I am sorry though. I'm sorry I didn't think about what would happen when Mum got there. I'd forgotten that Ollie would do what he always does and pretend." She put her head in her hands. "I only realised when I saw your face. It dawned on me so quickly and I just didn't know what to do."

I thought back and remembered how she'd looked when I'd met her eyes that night. She'd looked so uncomfortable and I'd not really registered it.

"Then, when Ollie told me you'd nearly drowned," she almost groaned as she spoke. "I just knew it was all my fault. I didn't think that when you'd ran off, you'd do anything like that. I knew you were upset but I didn't realise the Ollie thing had affected you so much."

"It wasn't the Ollie part of it that upset me, not really," I said. I started picking at a loose thread on the blanket in front of me.

Ro looked confused.

"I was upset about you." I paused for a moment, considering how to explain how I felt.

"Oh?"

"You were the first friend I've had since Zach," I said. "You were the first person I let myself open up to, the first person I ever told about Zach even. So I just felt so let down and so stupid for trusting you."

"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way." Ro still looked devastated about what had happened.

"I know," I said. I gave her a small smile.

"For what it's worth," she said. "You're the first person I've opened up to in such a long time too. Even before today, I mean."

We sat quietly for a while, both of us thinking about what had happened. It had been such a strange week, filled with the weirdest emotions. Now that we were at the end of it, and I knew exactly what had happened, I found myself feeling even more upset. It was somehow more gutting to know that if I had lost Ro as a friend, it had been over nothing.

"I'm sorry," we both said in unison. Clearly we'd both been thinking the same thing.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry that my reaction has kind of forced you to come out to me. I didn't realise what was going on but I hate that I've put you in this position." It was true. I might have felt like I'd been completely betrayed but I had no right to make Ro feel like she had no other option.

"You haven't put me in any position," Ro said. "You didn't know and you only had what you saw to go off. I completely get why you were upset."

"Yeah but I shouldn't have run off and..." I trailed off, not quite ready to talk about what had happened after I'd left the carpark that night. "Anyway, I should have given you the chance to explain I suppose."

"Maybe," she said. "I'm sorry too though."

"You've already apologised, Ro."

"I know but I need you to know how much I regret not telling you earlier," she said. "I don't know why I didn't, really. I guess it never came up." She shrugged and started picking at a loose thread on the hem of her top. "Anyway, I just really hope I haven't lost you over it."

"I think we'll be alright," I said, smiling at her. "I'm glad you told me."

"Me too." She laughed. "Could have done with doing it a week ago though."

"Not sure about that." I thought about it for a moment. "I think the last few days needed to happen. I mean, ideally I wouldn't have thought I'd lost you as a friend but the rest of it was probably a good thing."

"You think it's a good thing you nearly drowned and ended up in hospital?" Ro looked incredulous.

I laughed. "I know it sounds mad when you put it like that but I think I've been living in denial for a long time and the last week has put a lot of things into perspective and forced me to deal with things that I needed to."

"Does that mean you've sorted things out with Zach?" Ro asked. "I know things have been a bit strained there for you both."

"Kind of," I said. "I think I probably need to tell you the whole story there. I left out a few bits last time."