Undercurrent

Chapter 20

I woke up on Friday morning with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

After talking to Ro, I was more worried than before about seeing Ollie. He obviously hadn't been thrilled when I turned up at college the day before. If anything, my being there had made him look ill. I tried to think about what Ro had said – he wasn't avoiding me. She'd asked me to trust her and I didn't really have much choice in the matter.

I managed to get to college fairly uneventfully which was a relief after the bus debacle yesterday. I'd decided to come on the earlier bus than usual, just in case, so that meant a fairly chilly wait outside college since it hadn't even opened yet.

I watched as the empty pavements started to fill with people, clutching their coats around them in the October drizzle. As I looked around me, I wondered what they were thinking about, whether they spent stupid amounts of time worrying about things that were never going to happen, or things that already had happened that couldn't ever be changed.

The college doors unlocked just as the drizzle became a full-on downpour. Grabbing my things, I made my way into the main building, planning to get a drink before I headed up to art. I wasn't sure what made me think of it, maybe it was Ro's confidence that he hadn't been ignoring me, but I decided to message Ollie.

NINA: Want to get a drink before class?

So out of character. My obsession with the single grey tick becoming two was starting to get out of hand – particularly when it came to messaging Ollie. I joined the queue while I waited, still watching the screen, waiting for a change.

The grey ticks turned blue. Then, nothing.

NINA: Or I can bring something up if you're already there?

Single grey. Double grey. Blue.

Still nothing.

Fine, I thought, trying to convince myself that I wasn't bothered. I ordered a muffin and a hot chocolate to take away. If I was heading up to spend the morning being ignored, then I definitely needed sugar to help me through it.

When I got to the art room, most people were there. Izzy smiled at me as I sat down in my usual spot but nobody else really noticed. I noticed though. Another Friday morning where Ollie was missing from class.

It was pretty hard to take Ro's word for it that he wasn't avoiding me now. Considering he'd definitely been here yesterday and the only time he seemed to have missed was when he was supposed to be with me, it was difficult not to take it personally. I started to wonder if the reason he hadn't gone to crazy golf on Saturday was because Ro had mentioned that I was going too.

At that point, I had to remind myself that Ro wouldn't have told him. Not out of any great loyalty to me, I thought, but she was so surprised that Ollie and I knew each other, she wouldn't have known to mention it anyway.

No. This was very much an Ollie problem.

I couldn't really blame him for wanting to avoid me. I'd completely embarrassed myself in front of him and he was probably worried that I'd be really awkward and annoying. Clingy even.

I snorted. I'd definitely ticked clingy off this morning with my messages. Clearly not taking the hint after he'd ignored one of them, I'd decided to go back in for more. Ugh. Navigating friendships, if that's what this even was, was so complicated. Social cues had never been my strong point so I'd just avoided it all in the past. Now, though, I was trying. I was trying really hard to make some friends and it was so much harder than I'd anticipated.

However, I thought, trying to give my brain a dose of reasoning before I spiralled into yet another existential crisis. If he was skipping lessons just to avoid me, then he was being incredibly melodramatic. We were only half a term into the year; surely he couldn't miss classes until the summer?