A Cheers to the Life You Don't Get to Choose //Noah Sebastian

XVIII

Just an old friend.

I roll over and check my phone to see that it is now 4 am. I do not sleep well after a night of drinking and I really have been overthinking what Noah told me earlier.

I want to believe him, but my thoughts still consume me. Who is she and how were they connected? Obviously we have a lot of acquaintances since she was at the Charnas residence. She is beautiful. A tiny little thing with blonde hair and green eyes wearing the lowest cut dress she possibly can.

I lie awake for another hour, tossing and turning, convincing myself that I am too much in my head.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

Noah's phone buzzes quickly a few times indicating text messages were coming in, rapidly. I contemplate answering it, arguing with myself. I've never been one to invade Noah's phone. Just because we were together does not mean I need to invade every single little bit of his life, but something is telling me to just look.

Justine: Oh my god, Noah! It was SO good to see you tonight, you looked good as always

Justine: It's been so many years but I miss you

Justine: If things don't work out with what's her name, hit me up <3 I never should have let you go

Justine: I'm sorry what I did to you, babe!

I feel like I got punched in the gut. If I didn't have enough anxiety, I do now. Meanwhile, Noah is absolutely passed out and looks so beautiful. I adore this man and am so disappointed he is dancing around the truth.

-

A couple of hours later, my alarm goes off. Typically, I want to wake up and see Noah next to me, he must already be awake and  right now I am not in the mood. I don't really have too much time to talk to him today anyway because Sloane has tests and chemo.

"Good morning love, coffee?" Noah smiles, and I shake my head no.

"Are you okay, A?" He raises an eyebrow in confusion. Is he serious? Did he not look at his phone this morning?

"Mommy!!" Sloane runs into the living room. Even through all of this she is so free spirited and happy. My sweet girl has been losing some hair due to the chemotherapy but does not seem to mind. God, she is so strong just like her daddy.

I squat down to meet her at her level and give her a hug. "Good morning, sweetie. Let's get you some breakfast and then we need to go to the hospital okay?" She nods, hugging her Michael Myers doll tight.

I focus on making Sloane blueberry pancakes which are her favorite. I make them for her every time she goes in for treatment and tests. Today we find if the chemo is helping reduce her tumor or not. The chemo is meant to shrink the tumor, however since it was not fully removed and there is always the possibility of it growing back.

I feel arms slink around my waist and Noah nuzzles his head in the crook of my neck. "Avery, please tell me what is upsetting you." He mumbles into my neck, sending shivers down my spine, but I will not give in.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I wiggle out of his grasp and plate Sloane's food and her face lights up when I bring it over to her.

"I am headed off to the studio, I will meet you later at the hospital." He has dread in his voice and kisses Sloane on the head as she scarfs down her pancakes. "I love you sweet princess, you are going to do great today." He grabs his keys and heads out the door without another word.

I let out a sigh that I have been holding for a minute. "Alright kid, let's get you in the bath and then off to the hospital."

"Okay, mommy." She gives me her sweet smile and I clean up her plate before picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom.

Noah's POV

"Aye, there he is!" Jolly yells as I walk into the studio and they can immediately tell I'm in a bad mood.

"You okay, bro?" Folio asks.

"Yeah I'm good. Can we start?" I shut them down and just want to practice but I cannot stop thinking about what Avery is mad about.

"Let's start with 'Somebody Else'." I wrote this song a long time ago after I broke it off with Justine. Yes, I saw the texts this morning. Yes, I deleted and blocked her. She's nothing to me anymore, and hasn't been for a very long time, but what she had done to me hurt. It was a drunken mistake to talk to her last night, and I regret it.

"You walked too close to the rails
I picked you up when you fell
How can you live with yourself?
You're lost, but I couldn't tell
Fooled me, you did it well
Thought you were somebody else"

After practice I head outside to get some fresh air and Folio followed me out. We were silent for a few minutes, Folio was the first one to speak.

"Dude, you've been upset the whole day. Did something happen with Avery? I know you too were having some trouble last night. And what was with 'Somebody else'? I know that song triggers you sometimes."

"Sloane is in chemo today and they are doing tests to check out the tumor. Avery and I made up last night but she's definitely pissed at something this morning. Oh, and I ran into Justine last night, Avery overheard us just chatting and I reassured her the best I could that it was nothing. It is nothing, but she texted me last night. It was stupid, I should have never talked to her."

Nick is quiet for a moment and then puts his hand on my shoulder. "My dude. She probably is still upset about it. Maybe she read the texts while you were sleeping?"

"She will never trust me again if that is the case. I cannot lose her, Nick." I sulk.

"Dude, you don't even know if that is true or not, I am just spit balling theories over here. She could be mad about something small like the dishes for all I fucking know. Just talk to her. Does she know about Justine?" Nick tilts his head, pondering.

I shake my head no and he looks shocked. "Noah are you fucking with me? You and Avery have been together for years and you have not once brought up Justine and what she did to you, man?" He flails his arms and then smacks me upside the head.

"Ow! No, I never told her. It was never important. I never saw her or heard from her, until now. She must have moved from Virginia to here. Avery healed me, there was nothing to tell. It's Avery, always has and always will be."

"Listen, I love you, Noah. You are my brother, so with all the love but get it together. You have already kept a big secret from her once, and man you are lucky she forgave you so quickly. You are going to lose her for real if you keep another one like this. Regardless if she read the texts or not, you need to come clean with all of it, Noah. I will always stand by you, but I have to protect my little sister too."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks man." Before heading back inside I give him a small smile.

-

I said goodbye to the guys and got into my car and slammed my hands on the steering wheel. Things were going so well, I'm so scared. Folio is right. I need to tell her everything about my past. She knows everything but this.

I never wanted anyone to know about this besides Folio. Not even Avery.