In your arms

September 29, 2023 - Elementary School, Los Angeles

C < what are we talking about, Maya?>

M < is there something you are hiding from me?> before she can speak, I barely raise a hand, to conclude my concept. < I do, I do, and I swear I will tell you everything. And I swear I'll make it up to you for all the worry you're feeling...>

C < Maya...> she pauses for a moment and shakes her head. < my love...I want to be the person you rely on, I want to be the person you talk to and confront, the person who supports you...but I'm aware that it's not that easy for you. But it only takes a little bit to take a step..just don't disappear, for example..> I nod right away.

M < I know, sorry..> I repeat and she nods.

C < I'm hiding something from you too, it's true. It's a stupid thing and I was stupid not to see that you noticed and that this was bothering you. can we talk about it later, though?>

M < how stupid is it?> I inquire and she shrugs.

C < a lot!> I nod, agreeing to talk about it later. After some more silence, I look at her again and find her soft eyes already on me.

M < do you know what day it is today?> I ask and a bitter-tasting smile escapes her, the same one I have, probably.

C < yes, I remember..> I open my mouth, but she speaks over me. < however I know there's more if you're here and that's what interests me..> I just shake my head.

M < it's 11 years I've felt guilty for being able to drag you down with me after making you feel happy the moment before..> Carina barely smiles at me.

C < Maya...what's the point of talking about it now?>

M < how do I get this feeling of guilt off me? Do you really think I can forget the harm I did to you?> Carina shakes her head.

C < amore...I was damn angry with you and it took me a long time, but I got over it. I realized you left me because that was the only alternative you saw then. When I tell you we were young, Maya, I mean it: I thought for months, once I got over the anger, about you, how you were, what had happened to you in life, and yet I never looked for you...if you want to look for blame necessarily, you have to divide it by two. Or else...> and she stops, forcing me to look at her face.

M < or else what?>

C < or you can leave the past behind. You can think about the fact that fate loved us enough to give us this gift and let us find each other..> I keep quiet for a while and for a few minutes Carina respects my silence, except to speak again. < Maya, in life you don't have to feel bad, always...you can also rejoice, you can also be happy..>

M < I don't do it on purpose..> I complain in a low voice.

C < I know..> she states, then gives me space, quietly.

M < I never thought about that..>

C < about what?>

M < the fact that you could have looked for me too; I always focused so much on the fact that I had to stay away from you, that I couldn't hurt you, I couldn't meddle with my life, that I didn't see all the other things..> Carina nods slightly.

C < now though, I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake again..>

M < which one?>

C < to think that you can't meddle in your life..> I just smile.

M < sometimes I think you've already had enough shit in your life that you don't need mine too..>

C < Maya...please!>