In your arms

December 15, 2022

It's Friday! Here's another chapter for you. Thank you for your presence and reading!!

December 15, 2022

Getting myself back on track and not thinking about Carina is proving extremely difficult. The problem is not just having to deal with the emotions and feelings that come from somehow finding her again. The problem is being able to handle all the emotions that have come back up related to our past history, our year together, our separation. These are the strongest emotions I feel that I no longer know how to control: thoughts travel in a thousand different directions and I'm always afraid of getting lost or messing up. Fortunately, I see her very little, although she occasionally appears with Luke in the morning when she drives him to work, or in the evening when she picks him up after his shift is over, or vice versa, depending on our crazy schedules. I always try to be extremely friendly with her, try to avoid too much familiarity and at the same time don't want her to think I'm avoiding her. Andy is no help at all because she spends her time looking at me and giggling. The downtime at work, during which I have to put up with Luke's stories about what he did the day before with Carina or what plans they have for the weekend, doesn't help either, so I spend my time alone in the dorm or at the gym. The problem is, however, that I can't stop wondering what someone like Carina is doing with him, who apparently has this obsession with telling his intimate details as if it were a boast, a bulletin board trophy. I don't necessarily want Carina to be with me, I haven't been able to come to such a thought process yet, but in the meantime it would be enough for me if she were no longer with him. Nor does the free time I spend at home, when I am not on duty, help me, in fact it is perhaps the worst time of my week, because the hours never seem to go by, the thoughts never seem to fade, I always find myself torturing my fingers, pacing back and forth, running on the beach at the most unlikely hours, looking for a quiet that I cannot find. The only real time of the week when I can be serene is when all my focus is thrown into work: whether there is a fire to fight or there is even a fight to settle, saving a kitten in a tree, cutting down a car to allow rescue after an accident...surely, though, I can't wish for the end of the world to avoid thinking about Carina...you don't do that, right? The other time when I can take my mind off of it is having sex: although I'm not in a stable relationship, I've always tried to keep an active sex life, although it's not like I necessarily had to clock out once a week. Now, on the other hand, every night I would want to find a different one, not to dampen my hormones, but just to turn my brain off.

Tonight Andy's tried to put a damper on my reckless life by reminding me that there is the usual game night. Once a month or so with the whole team we take turns meeting at someone's house for our board game night, although it always turns into an excuse to drink and party in the end. Much more often, however, while consistent with our sometimes grueling shifts, we find ourselves at Andy's house for a girls' night out, which in theory always involves board games, but in practice is dropped after two rounds of board games to chat and tell each other stories. I did not want to participate, because I know full well that in short order the focus of the conversation will turn to me, but I am also tired of torturing my own head.

I regret my decision the very moment I cross the threshold of Andy's house and my eyes rest on Carina, still with her coat on, evidently arriving a few seconds before me.

A < here we all are now!> Andy exclaims enthusiastically, causing my eyes to divert to her with a furious look.

C < hello..> Carina says immediately, catalyzing all my attention. I return the greeting, but suddenly I dread all the upcoming awkward situations that may develop. In fact, that will surely happen.

V < hey!!> Vic greets me, revealing her presence.

C < hello Victoria!> and I feel like the protagonist of a silent movie, or the dumb protagonist of a funny play, or more trivially a goldfish, because I can't utter a breath. We all move to the living room, where Andy has already prepared popcorn, beers, glasses of wine (I guess for Carina, who has made no secret of being a wine lover since she has been attending the station a bit more, as the only, or almost, alcohol of her life), pillows on the floor around the coffee table and she even has already pulled out the Monopoly board, which was supposedly the choice for the evening.