In your arms

December 5, 2022

Thank you for your warm welcome. See you soon!

December 5, 2022

These last few days have been very complicated for me.

At work we haven't had many calls, even during the last shift on Friday we were in the station for about five hours with nothing to do. It was very difficult for me to maintain focus and calm. Since Carina has made a surprise reappearance in my life, albeit in a highly secondary role at the moment, such as the girlfriend of a colleague, I can't even stand, I can no longer find peace. It always seems to me that nothing makes sense, that everything is either going too fast or too slow. I feel like I can no longer be in the company of anyone, but at the same time I yearn to have someone beside me to keep my head at bay. Inside my brain the thoughts go wild, I can no longer handle them as calmly as before. But then I get into a vicious cycle whereby I feel stupid for having these emotions, these accelerated beats, these thoughts for someone who probably doesn't remember anything about me anymore, doesn't think or feel about me in the same way as before.

So my days were punctuated by work, in which I tried to talk to as few people as possible and especially avoid Andy's jibes and jokes, and by private life, in which I spent time inside some bar or inside some bed.

After Carina, I no longer had a stable and balanced relationship. I dated a colleague for a few months, continuously and exclusively, also sharing other experiences besides sex, but then we serenely realized that our habits were comfortable, but not sufficiently engaging to continue. In later years it also happened again that we ended up sleeping together, sporadically. Those months together with Charlotte were the closest I ever had to a relationship. Otherwise I lived on fleeting encounters and one-night stands with people who were not always so well defined: the typical script was always a night at the bar with friends, one too many beers, a few well-thrown glances, a drink on offer, a chat, the fateful question "my place or yours?" and a night of sex. A few times I exchanged numbers with this person and we saw each other again, always with the sole and clear intent of getting a healthy fuck. Most of the time in the morning there was an awkward meeting in the kitchen, a shared coffee on the fly and many fond farewells.

Life then simply took its course. I focused on work, career, my mental health, and never managed to fall in love again. In the course of time I developed a kind of "anti - romance" mechanism, whereby I pretend to be the poster child for one who lives perfectly well as a single woman, but after all, everything I experienced with Carina has always remained deeply glued inside me and is something I have always dreamed of one day being able to relive.

Seeing Carina again triggered something in me that I still can't put a name to, but it caused such a strong jolt that it made me shake and commit a huge screw-up. Fate somehow patched it up, but it wasn't enough. And indeed, I am on the verge of committing yet another screw-up, quickly walking down the corridors of this hospital. This is not the LA Hospital I usually go to when we take patients by ambulance, but it is the hospital where Carina works. The good fortune of dealing with paramedics year-round, every day, allowed me to realize that in the end all hospitals in this city are made up more or less the same, and I don't know why the maternity ward is always on the upper floors. I headed there with a confident air, but then I was forced to ask the nurses in the information booth for help.

M < excuse me, good morning. I'm looking for Dr. De Luca. Do you know where I can find her?> the nurse teams me from head to toe, unconvinced.

I < she is in the exam room, do you have an appointment?> I sigh.

M < no, but if you could tell me where I can find her, I'll wait for her>

I < without an appointment she can't see you anyway..> I look around: I hate to take advantage of my role, but I will.