[牛天 | UshiTen]: Our Flowers

Part 10: [i match you]

And so, he spoke. At last.

- How is it that you love me so much? Why? It is illogical! It feels like I am not giving you the same amount of love back, and still – you persist! I feel... so... behind. In our relationship, in our married life. You are far ahead of me, I feel like I have to be running all the time, to catch up with you! Satori!!! I feel... I am not enough! I feel... you're giving me too much!!! And it... it hurts... I don't... want... this!

The words fell off his lips, hard and heavy, and he was clenching his teeth so badly in all the pauses that they hurt. He didn't notice, but his hands were grabbing the thin shoulders so much that he was making bruises. Yet, Tendō never flinched. He never frowned, never complained. His full attention was on the man he loved, and nothing else mattered now.

They stood, facing each other, in the middle of the side-walk, silent, tense, staring at each other's faces, frozen, hurting.

A cyclist rushed past them and there was an annoying distracting ring of a bell now, but they didn't care. Tendō knew that this short speech had taken everything from his Wakatoshi. And Ushijima knew that his Satori would answer him, even if it killed him to do so. Both were waiting, both were taking in new air.

They would have stood there even longer, most probably, under the heat of the high-noon sun, unless a lady with a pram had to pass by them, and they were forced to move to the side now, making way for her to do so, letting go of their invisible link, breaking that intangible but super strong bond that they had always shared.

- Walk with me. Slowly. – Tendō murmured.

Wakatoshi felt weak at the knees. There was no way for him not to remember those same words, whispered in his hair on their wedding night. He was going to remember them always.

- Make love to me... slowly...

They walked down the street, it's been more than 20 minutes for sure. They were walking slowly, as if this was not a journey to the market, but rather a stroll.

Satori looked thoughtful. He once again amazed his husband.

Wakatoshi was disappointed with himself. He had lost control. He had acted on impulse, he had been rash. His father would have slapped his face, had he been able to witness his moment of weakness. Satori, too, had every reason to be disappointed in him, to be ashamed of him and the blatant failure to handle himself better.

But the red-head was walking on, humming to himself, thinking.

For one awful moment, Wakatoshi's heart flipped in his chest. What if he was thinking about... reconsidering... planning... plotting?!... intending to... leave him?

He felt cold sweat cover his forehead, his back.

He could not lose this love.

He might be able to live without Tendō, somehow, but he was pretty damn sure that he could no longer live without Tendō's love for him.

It was far too good, it was way too precious.

It was like a small death, this sense of uncertainty and doubt. And he sharply grew aware that it was a much worse feeling than the sense of uselessness that had taken a grip of his mind and soul, and was forcing him to act like he did.

Finally, he gave up, defeated, scolding himself that he had to work on his patience and quieting the mind.

- Please, say something. – his voice almost cracked. – Husband...

A slight quiver ran through Satori's body; it was as if the last call woke him up. He looked up again, at the pale, slightly sweaty face, but walked on, stubbornly. It was not until they reached the entrance to the marketplace that he spoke out, loud and clear, and quite definitively:

- My love, my beautiful Toshi, please, listen to me.

Ushijima stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes opened wide. Half his heart was telling him that the next words would be "I want us to break up.". The other half was chiming inside with the hope that those next words would be: "I love you, and my love for you is forever."

Now he watched how Satori took a step towards him, and took his hands in his own. His cute face turned to him, open and serene. Wakatoshi thought his heart was going to burst.

- Listen now. – Tendō spoke quietly, just between the two of them. – There are no perfect halves in nature. I don't believe in perfection; it's cold. Artificial. Life is all about loving the imperfections, making them your own. I think... I feel that love is about that too.

He sighed, but his eyes were locked with Ushijima's confused eyes, and it made him smile.

- You need it, I see it. You need a perfect balance, those perfect 50%. It helps you get clarity. But the perfect 50% do not exist, my love. Everything between two people is give-and-take. 40 to 60. 30 to 70. 25 to 75, maybe? If you think I can be giving 50% and you can be giving the other 50% so that things run smoothly – give it up. It can never be.

He spoke slowly, putting in the Math quite on purpose; he hated it – the surgical numbers, he hated Maths, but he knew well that his Toshi needed. Wakatoshi had always been great at Maths.

- I love what we have, my beautiful Toshi-kun. I love everything you're giving me. I'm not sure why... you think... that I am giving more. I could say the same thing!

Ushijima opened his mouth to argue, but a thin pale finger got raised up hurriedly, as a warning, and he frowned to be hushed up like this.

- I... - he started stubbornly, but the finger just moved to be pressed against his lips, accompanied with a grin on Tendō's part.

- No. – he said languidly. – No, Toshi-kun. If you think that me cooking lunch, or doing shopping or cleaning up the living-room is 50%, then... hmm... I can say that your kisses in the morning today were 80%! Haha! I am saying that your kisses at lunch were 90%!!! How can we compare? Those are things that do not compare, darling.

The red-haired man could easily see that the brain behind the thick skull was ticking, like a machine, calculating odds, summing up numbers, comparing percentages and ratios, it was so typical for his Toshi! He expected an objection, of course, it only made sense. But Ushijima's reaction surprised him greatly, because it wasn't one of arguments – it was one of emotion.

The taller man let go of his hands, and grabbed him abruptly, without warning, ignoring the people around them, and pulled him close to himself, muttering in his very face:

- This is not what I meant, and you know it!

Tendō couldn't help himself, and purred with pleasure. The strong grip on his body, so uncompromising, so claiming, so possessive – it always made his heart flutter.

His lips parted now, and he started breathing through his mouth, half-aroused by the bold touch, by the brave move, out here, in the open, and whispered back:

- I know. But you should know that you are giving me more than you think. Even right now. Right now... my lovely... perfect... husband... right now... you... Toshi, you... You are giving me... 100%.

Wakatoshi raised his eye-brows, incredulous. According to his calculations, he wasn't doing anything extraordinary. If anything, he was probably being rude in public. But this here was important, and it seemed that it needed urgent solving.

- Love does not exist in percentages. I don't need daily affirmations in order to feel your love. I don't need it, it's not crucial to me, my love. You, holding me like this, matters more to me that a thousand "I love you."-s. – Tendō whispered very quietly.

- You should not be so quick to forgive me! Forgive me absolutely anything! Satori, I am but a man! I am not perfect! Not at all! And lately... - Ushijima barked the words, but his voice broke, and he clenched his teeth so hard that it was actually audible.

Tendō raised his hand and cupped his cheek, ignoring all.

- I love you. And love means not just tenderness, but forgiveness too, my dear.