In your arms

September 10, 2023 - Hamburger Mary's WeHo, Los Angeles, Amelia's birthday

Thank you everyone!

TW: there are some BDSM scene.

September 10, 2023 - Hamburger Mary's WeHo, Los Angeles, Amelia's birthday

In every historical period of my life and during every activity, evaluation or sphere I have always been defined as all too capable of concealing my emotions. It happened when I was in elementary school and everyone mistook my silences and low demands as shyness or as meekness: in reality I was the same little girl who in the intervals forced her best friend to play the "tramp game", laying out cartons (which were then nothing more than carpets of leaves) and forcing him to beg for charity from all the children who passed by that spot in the yard. Then as a reward, because I felt guilty, I would allow him to make out on my lips behind the trunk of a tree. Here, it is not the moment I am most proud of, on the contrary, but ability to be heard, what they call leadership nowadays, ability to express one's opinions and ability to feel emotions I had plenty of. And I would also like to point out, for the record, that he was the first and only male I ever kissed with real interest: all the rare subsequent flirtations with males were nothing more than passing "headaches."

I was also accused of not knowing how to be in touch with my emotions during my high school years, when my professors accused me of being too quiet, too sulky, too inattentive, too listless. No one who ever asked me what I was experiencing inside, that is, a whirlwind of different and quite inexplicable and incomprehensible emotions for me. I had put up a wall to protect myself, keeping others, especially professors, away was certainly not my main goal.

The confusion increased for me when during softball games my father and my coach would tell me that I was a force of nature. I had the perfect physique, I could bat perfectly, I ran at the perfect speed, and I had a vision of the field, opponents and game tactics that almost made me the assistant coach. What I had that was really perfect according to them, however, was that I never got carried away by any kind of emotion. If I felt anxiety, no one knew. If I was afraid, if I felt anger, if I was happy, if that day was sad...no one ever noticed, and to the two of them, dad and coach, it was an immeasurable talent.

On the day of the final exam at the Academy among my best qualities were my response time, the way I could handle my physique, although I was not strong, but I knew perfectly, both in theory and in practice, the function of levers and physics in general. Again, however, there was one aspect that definitely prevailed: unflappability. The committee spent more than three-quarters of my final exam praising my ability not to be carried away by events, to keep emotions from getting in the way of my work, and the precious, quick and unattainable in terms of quality ability of the mind to function like a genius.

"So why?" I have always asked myself. Why have so many people in my life often accused me of not being able to feel emotions? Andy for example. She's known me all my life, yet she's been nagging me all my life, precisely, because I don't let go of my emotions, because I'm not communicative enough. So my question has always been, what should I do? Is it possible that I always have to feel so much like a puppet in the hands of others?

And I'm thinking this even as I'm sitting for the first time in this particular venue, where Amelia's birthday party is taking place. The emotions inside me are definitely dancing the samba, mingling with each other, often even becoming difficult to be recognized. I've been living with anxiety on me all day, and I actually don't think I've been able to communicate enough with Carina. This is the first time we are going out in a group explicitly as a couple: it's kind of our debutante ball, our public coming out. I try not to put too much emphasis on it, but I'm also nervous about being in a club I've never been to before and especially with people I've hardly ever seen.