Letter To Someone I've Never Met

a mistake that can't be undone

I didn't see him for a few weeks after that day. I was a bit worried about how he was doing, but I couldn't text or call him to keep our relationship under the radar of his manager. Also, even if I could do so, I don't have his number, he changes it every time. Things were complicated. Sometimes, it is too bothersome.

I just received a text, it's been a month since our last secret meeting. I feel over the moon. I prepared with as much effort as usual. I went to the rooftop, our usual place, it was 11pm. He was not there yet, so I stopped to look at the view on Seoul. The lights of buildings were especially pretty tonight. I believe I had one of the best views of Seoul in front of me, which would be even more stunning if he was in the picture. I stayed a bit of time in contemplation.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I felt the joy spreading in body. But to my surprise, when I turned back, the person in front of me wasn't him. It was a girl whose face was covered by a cap and a mask. I didn't have the time to say anything, she stabbed me with I don't know what but it hurt a lot. I looked down, I was bleeding. A lot. Then my vision became blurry. Then black out. The last thing I heard was Jae Byeol's voice. I believe so, or I want to believe so.

He had seen me going to the rooftop, and out of curiosity, he followed me there. He appeared at the right moment. If not for him, I would be dead.
The girl who stabbed me was apparently one of his sasaeng. I learned that later. By the news. He called emergency just on time, one more minute, and I would've died. I lost a lot of blood, and my organs were affected. The diagnosis was not good. I needed an operation and a donation of organs and blood. Luckily, or not, I got it on time. I could survive, I had to. I think I knew unconsciously that Jae Byeol needed me, so I fought for my life. It was painful even under anesthesia.
I woke up with a big headache, the white lights of the surgery room were not helping. Then I started to feel slowly the pain coming back into my numb body. I couldn't talk at first, maybe it was the shock, maybe the tiredness. The doctors ran a lot of different tests. Painful or not, long or short, easy or difficult. I was finally free of those after five hours. I was moved to another room to rest. People started coming slowly to see me. I just listened to them at first, I didn't have any strength to answer. After a bit of time, Lee Hemin came in the room. We were alone, the others had left. I looked at him. He was pale, with an exhausting look on his face, yet a little bit of rage in his eyes. His emotions were surprising. He never showed much of him but a smile, and now he looked gloomy. A thrill traveled through my body. I don't know what was wrong, but I could tell it was severe.
He finally tried to murmur some words. I couldn't hear it at first. He repeated it. Now I was praying I heard wrong. But I did not. Jae Byeol was dead. He offered to donate a bit of his organs to transplant them in my body. My surgery was successful. But his... He couldn't bear the surgery. His heart stopped during the process. And it never started beating again. Mine broke when I heard that. I thought it was a lie. That I heard it wrong. It was not possible. Not him. I was persuaded that he will pass by the door and look at me with his beautiful eyes. But it never happened. The doctors shattered my lonely hope. He was gone. I was sad, devastated, and enraged against this stupid girl. But nothing will bring him back. I felt dumb, that was my fault for believing this message, no actually if I didn't existed in his life he would still be alive. I was self-hatred. My only consolation was the heartleft note he had written for me.

-Dear Nabi,
If you're reading this that mean I am gone for good.
I am sorry that I didn't spend much time with you lately, I want you to know that I love you, sincerely. And your the prettiest, funniest, clever person I have met. I am sure you will get it, but I was exhausted.
I am sorry that I could not take it anymore, sorry that I leave you alone.
I am not feeling quite good, I want to rest. For good.
I'll see you there in a few decades, have a great life, don't be so sad.

-Jae byeol

I cried all the tears I could. While reading this note I knew. I knew it was not a note your write in case the surgery goes wrong. It was a suicide note. He was intending to kill himself. And I could've advoid it. This note was in his bag all along. The reason he was watching his bag with a sad expression that day was because of this horrible note.
There is no word that could explain what my heart was feeling. I'm not sure I was feeling anything anymore. My hole body was numb. It felt like any kind of life has left my body. I was empty.
It is hard to love someone, but even harder to let him go.

I couldn't take this. I took an irreversible decision. If I went back in the past, were he was still alive, I could do it once again. I shattered my glass on the floor. It broke in pieces, I took one and made my blood flow. If I had to die to see him again, I would.

Sarang killed herself that night. She died under Lee Hemin eyes. She went back to that time, in front of the training room door, with exactly the same begening, hopping for a different ending. As she opened the door, the boys were facing her. Heemin face changed suddenly. He looked terrified.
He only managed to pronounce those words : "Who the hell are you ?". The story had already changed. She returned back in the past a few times more, trying to change their fate.