The Magic Of Mateo

Untidy feelings

I work Thursday night which goes fine but tonight is not quite as good. Because I'm stupid and trying to make up for lost time, I take one more client after I should have gone home. Not only that, I do it all without the aid of more than a few nips of booze because I simply can't afford to make tonight easier.  Tomorrow is going to be rough and I am going to hurt in many ways.  Only the thought of slipping into the hot tub for hours makes the bus ride home bearable.

I get home in one piece and spend a long time in the shower. I wash myself, then start over with my hair and face, scrubbing hard because the last jerk thought it would be fun to spit on me while getting his rocks off. Once I have been soaped, washed and rinsed from head to toe twice, I have long since run out of hot water and have no choice but to get out. I towel off, rubbing my sensitive skin until it's pink, then slowly pull on some clean clothes.

Contrary to popular belief, I do wear and own clothes that aren't black. I simply learned a long time ago that it's harder to be teased and picked on if everything is dark, solid, and with as few labels as possible. People don't know if you've worn the same outfit three times that week or if it's not a name brand t-shirt. At night, at home, I am more brave. Tonight I need my favorites.

I head towards Harris' bedroom door and hesitate. The cold has broken and it's warm but I've slept there, with him, for almost a week now. Tonight it feels wrong. Of course it's not him, it's me. I'm torn, wanting to be near him but also not wanting to sully him, somehow. I turn and am heading towards my tent when his door opens.

He leans against it, blinking sleep from his eyes. "Mateo? You okay?" I'm not sure how to answer that and he responds by taking a few steps towards me. His voice is gentle. "Hey."

"I am..." I don't want him to worry. "I am fine. I think I should sleep out here tonight. Yes, on nights I work at least. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"I'm a light sleeper. Heard you come in. You were in the shower a long time."

"I am sorry."

He smiles but it's barely there, just a hint of one. "No worries, well, no problem. I was worried though, and now you're not coming in. No pressure, obviously, I just wanted to check on you." I nod but that doesn't seem to be enough for him because he's still coming closer. He doesn't get up in my space, stopping near the door, but looks me over before his eyes settle on mine. "Need anything?"

"No." Except for these feelings to either go away or start to make some sense. "I have never had feelings before. For someone. Back in middle school when everyone was falling in love with music stars I didn't get it. When people acted like they would die without a girlfriend or whatever, I didn't understand. I have never felt... um... I don't know. I know you are not my boyfriend but I am very confused and I want to be held which is not something I ever want, not like this, but I also do not want my work to touch us. Everything is very complicated." I force myself to smile at him. "If I got high I wouldn't be worried about this shit. I wouldn't... feel so much right now. But do not worry. You must sleep and I will sleep and tomorrow is a new day."

He looks at the ground and then back up towards me. Maybe he's still translating in his head, that was a lot right after waking up but I'm pretty sure he followed. "Would you like a hug?"

Yes. Weird, but yes. I probably trust him enough to tell him so, even weirder. Instead, "You are too good to touch me right now. Or ever" comes out of my mouth.

He scoffs quietly. "Not true. You're not bad or dirty and I am no angel. Come here, Teo." I manage to make my legs move slowly but I can't quite look at him even as I step into his arms. A few moments later, he whispers "I'm sorry you had a rough night."

I've already made a mess of tonight and said many things I shouldn't have. Why stop now? "Maybe if I pass the GED test I can get a job that does not make me feel like this." A job that does not come between us or make me scrub myself to the bone. I have no idea how I'll swing it, maybe washing dishes a few nights a week at Lolita's will pay enough to keep myself fed and clothed and have enough left over to send my mother's checks each week. I don't know how I'll afford school. Maybe there are scholarships. I don't know. It seems impossible and that's why I haven't done it. I should settle for doing dishes; there are worse things.

"What would you like to do? What's the dream, Teo?"

Few people know this but he won't laugh. "I want to go to cosmetology school and cut hair. I know it is not glamorous or—"

"Mateo, why are you putting it down? You're incredibly talented, look at what you did with mine! And that's without training? You'll be famous or at the very least booked solid. The world would fall apart pretty quickly if people only did glamorous jobs. We need bus drivers and salespeople and barbers." Finally I force myself to pull back a little bit. "Did you ever set up your OnlyFans?"

"I did, one short video. Some watched. I do not know if I can make enough, I must pay rent and send some to my mother."

"Okay, valid. I don't know the ins and outs, but could you do a few more before you get your results back and see if it picks up any? See if you could make enough that way to bring in some money while you're attending school? And if not, you can keep doing your Saturday night thing or pick up a few shifts somewhere. Don't worry about rent, you can stay here. I know it's not much but..."

No, that's too much. "No, I must pay my part."

"Your part of what? I pay the same lot rent whether you're here or not. Just about everything is included except electricity and water and long showers or not, you don't use that much. I make plenty to pay the extra $10 a month you being here costs. Teo, if you want to pay me, invite me to your graduation. And cut my hair, yeah?"

"I will always cut your hair for free." It still seems hard but maybe not quite so impossible. I still doubt it will work out but studying and doing a few more videos can't hurt, as embarrassing as they are. At least they don't make me feel like this and sometimes things like this get easier. Perhaps after doing five or ten I will get over it and be fine. I may as well find out. "You must sleep, I am sorry. I will sleep in tent." I practically stutter over "Thank you for the hug" because I'm not sure I've ever strung those words together before.

"You're welcome. Good night, Teo. I'll leave the door unlocked if you change your mind."