A Black Comedy

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

"Son of a bitch!" Sirius yelled after stubbing his toe. He looked down and saw an empty dirty cauldron had been set down in front of his bedroom door. "Harry? Did you put this here?"

Kreacher's not so quiet cackling was heard coming from the down the hall.

"You wretched little hatemonger," Sirius swore shaking his leg, trying to ignore the pain in his toe. "Get back here."

"Stupid bad Master wasn't looking where he was going," Kreacher mumbled to himself ignoring the fact that he was walking towards Sirius. "Stupid stupid Master."

"Listen up, you little ingrate," Sirius ordered. "We were protecting a pureblood, Bellatrix, from a mudblood, Tom Riddle. That's right! The Dark Lord's pappy was a muggle."

"Kreacher knows about the Dark Lord," Kreacher mumbled in irritation. "Everyone knows about the Dark Lord. But not everyone knows about Kreacher's stupid Masters. Oh no. Stupid masters have lots of secrets to keep."

"Sirius," Harry yawned as he walked out of his bedroom. "Do you have to pick a fight with a house elf every morning?"

"He tried to break my foot," Sirius defended, pointing down at Kreacher.

"Kreacher forgot where Kreacher put one of the cauldrons to clean. Accidents happen. Even to stupid Masters the Dark Lord is going to eviscerate. Accidents happen." Kreacher muttered, not looking up at either of them.

"Are you sure we can't kill him?" Sirius questioned. "Are you really, really sure?"

"You're not that guy," Harry chided.

"I don't know," Sirius argued, shaking off the pain in his big toe. "I think I can change. I hear good things about evil."

"Stupid Masters getting stupider," Kreacher muttered and lazily stomping away disrespectfully. "Bringing muggle filth into the noble and most ancient House of Black."

Harry narrowed his eyes as Kreacher began to walk away. He turned to Sirius, "But I think it might be time we started punishing the racist little wanker."

"Kreacher, come here!" Sirius happily called out. He asked Harry, "Want see who kick him further? We can start from the top of the stairs. You get a bonus kick if he hits the umbrella stand."

"No, no," Harry said motioning with his hand. "That's not the sort of punishment I had in mind."

Kreacher had reluctantly walked back up to Harry and Sirius, mumbling, "Blood traitors don't even know how to punish right."

"Kreacher," Harry ordered. "That sort of language will no longer be tolerated."

Kreacher gnashed his teeth before smirking cheekily and explaining, "Sorry Master. Kreacher only speaks English."

Sirius looked at Harry and offered, "I'll let you kick first."

Harry shook his head. "That's the kind of negative treatment he expects. No, Kreacher, you are going to gently massage my feet while I read to you notable facts about muggle history."

"What?" Kreacher said looking at Harry in confusion.

"Oh," Sirius said thinking deviously. "You know, I've got some underwear that needs to be cleaned…"