A Black Comedy

CHAPTER TEN

The two Blacks and two Bones all exchanged looks. The guests looked mortified while the hosts were doing everything in their power not to laugh or give in to the temptation to high-five each other.

Sirius caught Harry's eye and shrugged. "After your accusations of robbing the cradle, can you blame me for shagging such a vivacious cougar?"

Harry winced and translated, "I'm sure that was meant as a compliment, Madame Bones."

Amelia had been taking it as a compliment until Harry had called her Madame and shattered her illusions that the cougar reference didn't have anything to do with her age. She addressed her niece. "This shouldn't be awkward, Susan. You're a grown woman."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Harry agreed before he could stop himself. "Sorry. My mind's been in the gutter since Susan asked for my pants sausage."

"Harry!" Susan exclaimed while checking out Sirius and resisting the impulse to flash her auntie a big thumbs up.

"See? I did it again." Harry said happily.

Amelia found herself fighting a smile. "You did that on purpose, Lord Black."

"Please, call me Harry."

"Amy is fine casually, Harry, but if I ever find out you hurt Susan, I'd prefer that you remember me as the Director of Magical Law Enforcement," she said while calmly flipping through the Daily Prophet. She saw Harry was hesitant to respond. "What is it?"

"Amy, I, umm..." Harry kept his eyes pointed upward. "Susan, you want to tackle this one?"

"Your boobs are coming out, Auntie."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Sirius exclaimed sitting down at the table while Amelia hastily covered up.

The four proceeded to have stilted conversation, awkward silences, and mocking playful barbs back and forth. It started when Sirius passed on the juice and exclaimed he was suddenly in the mood for milk. Amelia then got a cup of coffee and when asked how she took her coffee replied anything but black. Because apparently she tried black and found it unsatisfactory. Harry then passed his eggs and bacon to Sirius deciding it felt like a fresh melon kind of morning. Susan took a second helping of sausage because sometimes one just isn't enough.

Sirius tried a bite of Harry's melon and indicated it was too ripe for him. He claimed he didn't like his melon so freshly plucked, preferring it a bit aged, once it's softer and more flavorful. This was when the tension broke due to the fact that Sirius' mouth was a step ahead of his brain and he kept using the word breast instead of melon among others.

Amelia couldn't take it when Sirius asked her to pass the bacon and the penis.

A couple of frenzied, goodbye shags later and the two Lord Blacks were alone at Grimmauld Place. Harry was giving Sirius an earful in the muggle room.

"What were you thinking?"

Sirius shrugged.

"Padfoot! We have lots of stolen goods, including talkative portraits bound to their frames. And you invited the Director of Magical Law Enforcement to spend the night."

"Well you invited her niece."

"Who was a classmate of mine and isn't responsible for arresting us."

"A classmate?" Sirius grinned. "Did you and her ever...?"

"In the old world?" Harry said. "Nope. I never really had the opportunity as she got killed about a year after her aunt, who incidentally got killed about a month after you."