A Touch Of Hate

Chapter 23

Levi

I've never said this out loud. I've never even let myself form this thought properly. Not until Verity told me everything that had happened to her.

Humanity was beyond saving.

Everything I've done in my adult life held one purpose and one purpose alone. Protect people behind the Walls. Preserve humanity from intinction. Save the lives of as many as I could. But hearing just how cruel human beings could be made me want to eradicate people as a whole. Let the titans pick all of us one by one. We were no better than them. Perhaps even worse.

What was the point of risking our lives, losing comrades, having our limbs torn off or our hearts ripped out — just so monsters like that could continue on striving inside the Walls? The world was fucked up beyond my comprehension. Men and women, boys and girls — betrayed, heartbroken, beaten, raped, murdered, skinned, decapitated... The list could go on and on. And at the same time, there were my people. People who had dedicated their lives to humanity. And we were risking everything we had left outside the Walls every fucking day. And for what?! So that fucking trash like that could hurt others inside the Walls?!

Maybe some people were not worth saving.

Maybe humanity was meant to go extinct.

Maybe I'd dedicated my life to the wrong cause.

I've sacrificed everything to protect such monsters on the inside, with a cost of everything I'd valued most. With a cost of my teammates' lives. Was Petra's life worth those shits who raped children in the Underground? Gunther's, perhaps? Eld? Oluo? No. And nothing could repay the debt they'd payed to this empty cause. Nothing could bring back the dead.

I stared at my desk, fighting the rising impulse to turn it over and crash it into the wall of my antechamber. Rage boiled my blood, and I could barely feel the floor under my feet as I stared into the chipped paint on the tabletop. The neatly stacked reports there called for my attention, but I wouldn't be able to process the bullshit I knew was written in them. Not when my imagination painted me the unwanted imagery of Verity back in the Underground. Not when I could still hear her voice say: "He came to my cell whenever he wished." Not when I wished with all my might that I was the one to end that fucker's life.

My hands trembled with unreleased fury, and I clasped my fists, feeling blood rush away from the strained muscles of my forearms.

There weren't many people I cared about. Not since a long time ago. Not even Hange or Erwin were as close as Farlan and Isabel once were. This "humanity's strongest" journey was a lonely one, no matter that it'd been entirely my choice to make it so. Losing those you cared about hurt too much. I couldn't be sure that I would choose the right action when a loved one was in danger and I had to sacrifice them for the greater good. There wouldn't even be a choice. And I couldn't let that happen. Not when the whole fucking world seemed to lie on my shoulders.

I always had to be the stronger one. The one that others could rely on. I had to make hard decisions and take all the blame for our failures. And I did it, day in and day out. Accepting my role and doing my best to strengthen humanity's chances. There was no one to rely on when everyone relied on me. Even when there was nothing I could do to protect those I loved.

It was never enough.

Humanity's strongest. I couldn't stand that phrase. If I was the best that people could offer as a weapon, then humanity was in deep shit. Because I'd been cracking for a long time now. Crumbling under the weight of the lost lives and responsibilities I held to the ones saved. Everyone expected me to rebuild the Walls if they were ever to fall. Everyone needed me to be the stronghold. And I did all in my powers to do just that. I fought, and I fought. But my strength was never enough to save humanity.