23: Happiness
But I’m guilty in a way that in my imagination she’s like into me. Nakakahiya kapag malaman ng iba.
Tumigil lang ako kakaisip nang mapagtanto kong nasa parking lot na pala ako. Huminga ako ng malalim. Uuwi pa ba ako?
I mean…alam kong hindi ako pumasok at masasaktan na naman ako.
I don't want to see lolo’s cane again.
Huminga ako ng malalim.
Masaya naman kasama sila Loraine pero mahihirapan pa rin akong mag-adjust. I’m not used to this at kahit subukan ko hindi ko pa rin magagawa.
I’m sorry mommy…
I turned my back and ran. Wala pa naman ang sasakyan.
Pero hindi ko inaasahan na nasa harapan ko na pala si Ethan.
“Where are you going?”
Inangat ko ang aking tingin sa kanya. Umiling ako bilang sagot.
“Let’s go now.”
Sumunod ako sa kanya sa likuran.
“May dadaanan muna tayo,” sabi niya nang makasakay na rin siya. Agad rin siyang bumiyahe. Saan naman kaya niya ako dadalhin?
Umayos ako lang ako ng upo nang mapagtanto ko kung saan niya ako dadalhin. Mula rito ay nakikita ko na ang rehabilitation center.
Parang dinala na ako dati dito ni dad.
“You’ll meet Dr. Ramos today. Your lolo likes her and she's the best Speech-language pathologist.”
Napabuntong hininga ako.
“After school diretcho tayo dito. Dr. Ramos doesn't accept home-based service as of the moment. Pakiramdam ng lolo mo she's perfect.”,
Akala ko ba hindi na siya hihingi ng tulong sa iba?
“Your lolo meet Dr. Ramos in a healthcare and business symposium event. Your lolo was again convinced to ask help for a therapist for you.”
Tumango lang ako bilang sagot. Kung hindi naman ako susunod, masasaktan naman ako.
Pumasok kami sa loob at agad kaming dumirectho sa office ng doktor na sinasabi niya. Naalala ko bigla si dad.
How it all started. How I ended up being a mute.
“Hi!” Pagkapasok namin ay isang babae in her 30s I guess ang sumalubong sa amin. Kinabahab agad ako dahil baka katulad lang rin siya ni Elizabeth my last therapist.
“I’m Dr. Ramos, a speech-language pathologist. Finally we’ve met. How are you?”
Tumingin ako kay Ethan at he just nod at me and left me here inside.
“Come sit,” sabi niya at umupo ako sa harapan niya.
“Hmm I understand that trying to speak may be challenging for you. How about we use gestures or sign language, how about written communication?” Nakangiti niyang tanong. Ganito sila sa una pero nong nahirapan na sila sa akin iniwan lang rin nila ako.
Worst, maging katulad sila ni Elizabeth.
“Hmm okay…your grandfather mentioned you know how to use sign language. I do too.”
I remained silent.
“It's alright…you can be comfortable around me, you can take your mask off.”
Umiwas lang ako ng tingin sa kanya.
“Okay, Aurora…here you are heard and understood.”
Of course because that's what we're paying for. Oh gosh I hate them.
“Let’s start by asking how are you,” sabi niya at natulala ako sandali nang gumamit siya ng sign language but still I did not answer.
“I know this is hard for you Aurora.”
Oh you don't know a thing.
“You’re hurt.”
Hindi niya kailangan ulitin sa akin.
“But this can be your safe place. You're safe with me. Wala tayo sa bahay ng lolo mo.” Nakangiti niyang sabi.
Does she know that I’m scared of lolo? Can she read my mind or my expression or through my gestures?
“Is there someone or something that comes to mind when you think about happiness? Someone or something that makes you smile?”
Napaisip tuloy ako at unang pumasok sa isipan ko ay si Crescent.
“It could be a person, a pet–” Bigla akong umayos ng upo kaya napahinto siya sa pagsasalita. I don't know why but I got excited suddenly.
“If you're having trouble thinking, I have pictures here and you can just nod. Alright?”
Tumango ako at nakita ko siyang ngumiti. She showed me a lot of pictures at tinignan namin iyon isa-isa.
I nodded when she showed me a picture of a person.
“Oh it's a person. Is it someone close to you?”
Umiling ako bilang sagot.
She's a singer, I answered.
“And you're a fan?”
I nodded.
“Cre–Crescent,” I said and I saw her halted. Kahit ako. I mean I have tried pronouncing Crescent’s name pero isang salita lang naman kaya hinahayaan ko lang.
“Spo–Spooky.”
“Spooky?”
My cat, I said using gestures.
“Oh you have a cat and you also have your favorite singer. That's good. Now using gestures show me.how you would express happiness with them. Pwedeng sa ngiti, o kahit ano.”
Hindi ko napigilan bigla ang kilig ko.
I suddenly remembered how she let me heard her song that she's working on and if she would ask me again I would love to continue the drawing.
How her sign language captivates my eyes. Her movements are expressive and graceful.
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