Hers in Distress [GXG]

28 - Lean On

Nandi- Pov

As I finish making dinner for everyone my mind is clouded by the conversation we had. There is so much that was unsaid and so much that I wished I could have voiced but none of my thoughts are anything she should hear.

I have been feeling the need for more, for some time, especially with her incident. I do not want to be just her girlfriend, I know marriage is just a piece of paper but I have dreamt about a lifelong partnership forever and the wedding would be a big plus but I love my parents.

I love my entire family and the possibility of them not approving of us shook me to the core, or at least it used to.

Before the incident, my biggest fear was losing my family, their judgement brought hives to my skin and terror to my bones but watching the love of my life, the woman I exist for, laying in that hospital bed, for weeks on end, and getting a second chance with her, changed me.

My biggest fear now is losing her, I never understood the people who chose a partner over their family but now that I am in this situation, I finally understand.

That does not mean that my fear of losing my family and their judgment is gone, it is still there, I want their approval, I would love it but I no longer need it to live. There is something freeing about that.

Also having to spend months with these kids who I now consider mine in a way, sharpened my spine. I would like to be able to celebrate the family that I have created for myself with the family I have been given if given the opportunity.

It also seems selfish to deny my family the opportunity to rise to the occasion and choose me, queer me.

The idea that hiding myself from them keeps the peace is manipulative and unfair. I deserve to exist in fullness and there is no shame in living in my truth with my girlfriend and our loved ones.

I served dinner and Nkoe sat in front of me, occupied with the children's stories, the moment in front of me filled me with bravery, the smiles on their faces as they share jokes with their Aunt who loves them.

Why would they hate me for choosing love? Why would they hate us for being ourselves? Why would they pick religion over me, even though they have done it a million times in the past?

"Angel, are you okay?" She pulls me out of my head, her finger under my chin, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"I was merely in my head."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I look over her and the kids are cleaning up the kitchen.

"I am thinking of telling my parents about us." She remains silent, her eyes failing to meet mine. "You don't think that is a good idea?"

"Do you feel pressured to tell them?" I shake my head while also trying to figure out where this may be headed "I did not mean to pressure you into... earlier... I was trying to..."

"Baby, I want to tell them, I want them to know about my family, I want to live with you and I would like to marry you if that is something you would also like." Her eyes light up more than they usually do.

"Marriage is on the table now?" An enthusiastic nod and she grins from ear to ear. "How best can I support you through this?"

"Come with me as I tell them?"

"Oh, are you sure I should be there?"

"I think it's time they met their daughter-in-law, don't you think?"

"I feel like I am more anxious than you about this." Far from the truth, my heart is shaking and I feel like I am going to faint.

Over the next few days, we made arrangements to go back to my home town. Eric agreed to babysit for the few days we will be away.

Nkoe has been so supportive and positive, that it makes me wonder what will happen when they reject us.

Given that we are here for a few days, we decided to spend the first day here, exploring, a mini vacation of sorts.

While I appreciate experiencing all of this with her, my mind is occupied, I can not escape what their reaction will be and how horrendous rejection will feel.

"Can we go home after this?" I ask as we walk on the beach.

"Are you okay?"

"This entire situation is making me anxious, I can not wait until tomorrow, I need to know today."

"Okay, we can get going now to get there before dark." All I can guess is a nod. She leads me to the car and opens the door for me before heading into the driver's seat.

Her hand is on my thigh while she drives, it is calming me down better than I thought it would.

My mind keeps fixating on being disowned and while I wish I could soothe it with comforting words, I simply do not know how they will react.

We stop outside the gate and I call my mother to have her open the gate.

"I would like to talk to them first," in case they decided to get confrontational, I would hate for Nkoe to see that side of them."I just want to..."

"Whatever you need, Angel." What did I do to deserve such an amazing partner?

Walking towards the house makes my heart run out of my chest, I hate that I am here, I hate that I have to do this and I hate the idea that I could lose these people that I care about over a part of myself.

"My baby is finally back!" My mother rejoices as I walk through the door. She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight, momentarily relieving me of the burden I carry.

"Hello, Ma. How are you?"

"I am good, how have you been?"

"I have been good, where is he?"

"Where else? In front of the TV."

"I wanted to talk to the both of you."

"Oh, well we can talk in the living room." She leads the way. "This sounds serious."

"Hello, Pa."

"Ah, my little girl, I did not know you were coming?"

"Surprise visit." He nods before turning the volume on the TV down. "Uhm, so there are a few things I would like to be honest about, the first being, that I did not study a business degree at UJ, I did a BA."

"Haibo!"

"Second being, I did not win the lotto, I make paintings and they get sold for huge amounts of money."

"Hai,"

"Third being, that I am in a relationship with my former boss, who is a woman." That rendered them speechless.

"How old is she?"

"Thirty-two." They nod and look at each other.

"That is a lot to take in, why did you lie for so long?" My mother asks.

"I was afraid of how you would react." My mother looks at my father as he hangs his head.

"We never thought, you did not feel safe enough to tell us things." He comments without meeting my eyes.

"How long have you been dating?"

"Over a year."

"Oh, so you have been keeping this from us for a while?"

"I have known I am a lesbian since high school." Silence yet again.

"I love you and I will not shame or disown you for how you choose to live your life." My father answers.

"We love you, and we support you." My mother corrects. They share a look before focusing on me.

"Would you like to meet my girlfriend?"

"Now?" I nod "Okay." I get up and run out to the car.

"You can finally meet my parents." She remains shocked before making her way out of the car.
I lead the way into the house and she follows behind me. "Ma, Pa, this is my girlfriend, Nkoe Lenka."

"Good evening, it is a pleasure to meet you both." With this out of the way, nothing is stopping us from living our best lives.

*************
Until Next Week.